Wow, so whew. What a crazy low couple of weeks. It seems like i'm starting to bounce back. I know there will be times where i regress, but even in my lowest of low, thats what sets me apart from others. I keep going. I know i'm feeling low and i can't help but to feel all the pain starting to crumble around me. However, I know it's always temporary. I may feel intensely but i can always spot even the dimmest lights at the end of the tunnel. I know how badly the world needs healing. I know that I want to be a healer, no need to be a healer, even if only in a spiritual or emotional way. I have so much to offer others, as does EVERYONE in this world. We are all on the same planet, can't we just agree to disagree and all get along? No...this seems impossible, however it isn't.
The world is full of hatred and jealousy, angry, spiteful, but it doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't have to be a lonely, and cruel world. All we need is one or two people in our corner, all we need is to be in someone else's corner, or pick our selves up when nobody can. Perception is reality, and that can mean a huge difference in everyone's life to just realize that.
I've been holding myself back for so long that i've forgotten who i am and that i am allowed to shine. I'm going to start cutting away everything in my life that doesn't allow for me to be myself or is suppressing my spirit. i'm ready to release everything, to litterally transform in every single way of my life. In mind, body, spirit, and emotion. Let's DO THIS!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
I feel like i could write a book about my life. Would anyone read it? Maybe. who knows. I guess i don't care. I think i'm learning not to care about what other people think. Its coming as a hard lesson but i am getting there. I am learning to release anger as well as my past. I hold on to people as "friends" whom i don't even talk to or associate with anymore. Its ridiculous. So, today i just decided to clean up my Facebook for a bit of a preparation for actually doing that in the real world. Good news is, i actually let go of some people, and now i've patched things up with someone else.
Life is funny. The brain and heart are funny too. Not literally the heart, but our souls. The things that make us tick, the way we feel emotions. I released some things, and i felt sad about it, though i shouldn't and now suddenly i feel overwhelmed with freedom from those things. Whats next? I feel there are big changes in store for me.
Life is funny. The brain and heart are funny too. Not literally the heart, but our souls. The things that make us tick, the way we feel emotions. I released some things, and i felt sad about it, though i shouldn't and now suddenly i feel overwhelmed with freedom from those things. Whats next? I feel there are big changes in store for me.
I Love The Way
I love your beats, man, Yeah i love your style,
I love your rhythms, and i love your smile,
I love your voice, the way the music flows,
I love every part of you, aint that how love goes?
I love your soul, i love the beat of your heart,
I love how when i'm with you, I never fall apart.
I love how your there when no one else is around
I love you you make me laugh whenever i'm down
I love your words of wisdom
I love your good vibes
I love how much I love you
In words it's hard to describe
I love your inspiration
the creative things you do
I even love the way
You never seem to have a clue
Most most of all,
I love being your friend
May we be best friends,
until the bitter end.
"I love The Way"
© Lee Lee Staaben
May 18, 2014
-
Friday, March 15, 2013
Darkest part of me
The depths of my pain cannot be measured,
The road is rocky, it leaves my soul weathered,
The winter chills my bones, and chills my heart,
You hurt me again, and wonder why i'm falling apart,
The music within has finally stopped playing,
but the voice within will continue whaling,
I know i'm a failure, no need to remind me,
my heads barely above water, i'm drowning as we speak,
I think my strength has come to its end,
I don' think my mind will ever start to mend,
You said i'm toxic, when all I ever did was try,
But you put me in the chair, you sentenced me to fry,
Im done, it's over, no need to look back,
you caused my spirit to die, it withered, turned to coal black...
You were the darkest part of me, my one kryptonight,
but finally i've let go, I have finally seen the light,
The light that shines within, doesn't include you,
Because i'm tired of the lies you spew,
Do you listen to yourself or are you ignorant as the rest?
Your a grim person, toxic, at best.
You think i'm too stupid to know when to walk away
but I can tell you confidently, today is the day,
The day I choose to leave, the day I choose me
The road is rocky, it leaves my soul weathered,
The winter chills my bones, and chills my heart,
You hurt me again, and wonder why i'm falling apart,
The music within has finally stopped playing,
but the voice within will continue whaling,
I know i'm a failure, no need to remind me,
my heads barely above water, i'm drowning as we speak,
I think my strength has come to its end,
I don' think my mind will ever start to mend,
You said i'm toxic, when all I ever did was try,
But you put me in the chair, you sentenced me to fry,
Im done, it's over, no need to look back,
you caused my spirit to die, it withered, turned to coal black...
You were the darkest part of me, my one kryptonight,
but finally i've let go, I have finally seen the light,
The light that shines within, doesn't include you,
Because i'm tired of the lies you spew,
Do you listen to yourself or are you ignorant as the rest?
Your a grim person, toxic, at best.
You think i'm too stupid to know when to walk away
but I can tell you confidently, today is the day,
The day I choose to leave, the day I choose me
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Weight Loss Journey begins Now -- March 13, 2013
This is my current weight picture. Sort of a before.-------------->
My left knee hurts sometimes but i know that with the proper diet and exercise i can lose the weight and keep it off. I want to feel better. It's not about looking good because so many people have put me down i learned to rise above what they have called me and said. I do suffer from agoraphobia but i don't generally look in the mirror and feel bad about what i see, i just worry about my health and realize my family and friends are probably worried too.
I saw a documentary on the half ton mom, her name was Renee Williams. Let me start this off by saying she was a lovely woman, her face was beautiful and her faith was strong. She wanted to lose the weight for her children so she agreed to undergo a gastric bypass. This for one, should never have been agreed to by any surgeons. About ten days after she had the surgery, she experienced shortness of breath, chest pain and finally went into cardiac arrest and died.
She mentioned she had hope and knew this would be good for her. I find surgeries to be the worst way to get weight loss results. Its dangerous and quite a few people i know have had complications to weight loss surgery. I think if your too heavy to move, start off changing your calorie intake, diet, drink more water and move even if just a little. This should help you start to feel a little more mobile after about a week and you may even see slight weight loss. But unless you absolutely need the surgery or if you are too high risk for the weight loss surgery, something else must be done.
Which is why, I have decided to lose weight. I don't want to end up that big. I couldn't bare to see myself get that big or see any pity glances from someone i know such as friends or family. They would all love me just as i am, well most of them. I knew someone who was overweight and she got even more overweight after she got married and had a child. Yes, it was partially her fault. Her hormones were out of balance though which also contributed. People were nice to her face but when she wasn't around the snide comments and jokes at her expense would fly.
I am proud to say she has lost quite a bit of the weight, at least 100 lbs. so far and she is still going. She is an inspiring person, who tries to make healthy choices and has only ever been nice to people. We have also had our differences but the amount of inspiration she puts in my life when i see her, is staggering. She's an amazing person with a beautiful soul and i'm very proud of her.
My weight is 315.4. My goal weight overall is 133 lbs, which means i have to lose 186 pounds to reach it. My short term goal is 20 lbs, and my long term goal is 50 pounds. So...here's to a new start, with the new moon, a new year, and a new, more positive attitude. I will update on my pictures as i reach my goals. Wish me luck....
Oh and this blogpost is dedicated to Renee Williams, Cat Melhuish, and all those people out there who are struggling with self image, or weight induced health problems. This is for you. My journey is to be an inspiration (hopefully) for you. This is for all the girls who thought they weren't good enough because of body fat they hid themselves in. All the boys out there who were too afraid to come forward and say I need help, this is for you. And most of all, this is for myself, my husband, and my future. This is for my friends.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Yet life goes on, as always.
Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like things are going alright, then suddenly you get really depressed, then you completely detach from all of your emotions? I don't know what to do today, i can't move on with my day, i'm stuck in a rut where all my brain wants to do is run around in circles and won't move past a thought or an action, and im dizzied by it (so to speak).
I have been dissociated for the last three days, and i can't seem to come out of it. I'm writing as if i was writing from the brain of a character, but i can't actually feel what i'm writing. i even looked at depressing subjects and pictures to try and feel, something, anything and i can't.
It's funny. Life. It really is. not in a haha kind of way, more like in an ironic kind of way. I was doing so well, and i finally actually take my healing to the next level and keep my boundary in check, the ONE boundary i actually thought i had, and it gets dumped on. I've got too many boundaries. One boundary is too much for me to have. I guess i'm not allowed to have boundaries. Fuck boundaries. It's always easier when i keep my mouth shut, and pretend i don't feel stepped on. I'm a good actress anyways, i have my mother to thank for that.
Today i really don't feel like moving forward anyways. I guess...I'm done trying to actually get out and about and to meet and greet the world. Today, i've decided, i'm sick of having friends. Having friends means confrontation, or dissapointment. Friends means having to actually try. Why try? Why PRETEND i'm someone they want me to be? I never will be anyways, whats the point?
I've been speaking openly, telling others what to expect, asking them to try and understand or to let me know up front, so theres no pain. Do they drop me, knowing full well they will dissapoint? Nope, instead they make the situation worse then ever imagined. They lash out, treat me like i'm nothing. Bring up old mistakes from the past. Like i really need to be reminded of all the reasons i'm nothing. Like i really don't tell myself everyday, "You should just kill yourself, your never going to amount to anything." "You look really stupid, and everyone can see the real you, even though you can't." "They'll know your a terrible person, it's not that hard to see." Whatever. I'm done. Tired of trying. Tired of false hope. tired of pretending i'm ok. It ends now.
I have been dissociated for the last three days, and i can't seem to come out of it. I'm writing as if i was writing from the brain of a character, but i can't actually feel what i'm writing. i even looked at depressing subjects and pictures to try and feel, something, anything and i can't.
It's funny. Life. It really is. not in a haha kind of way, more like in an ironic kind of way. I was doing so well, and i finally actually take my healing to the next level and keep my boundary in check, the ONE boundary i actually thought i had, and it gets dumped on. I've got too many boundaries. One boundary is too much for me to have. I guess i'm not allowed to have boundaries. Fuck boundaries. It's always easier when i keep my mouth shut, and pretend i don't feel stepped on. I'm a good actress anyways, i have my mother to thank for that.
Today i really don't feel like moving forward anyways. I guess...I'm done trying to actually get out and about and to meet and greet the world. Today, i've decided, i'm sick of having friends. Having friends means confrontation, or dissapointment. Friends means having to actually try. Why try? Why PRETEND i'm someone they want me to be? I never will be anyways, whats the point?
I've been speaking openly, telling others what to expect, asking them to try and understand or to let me know up front, so theres no pain. Do they drop me, knowing full well they will dissapoint? Nope, instead they make the situation worse then ever imagined. They lash out, treat me like i'm nothing. Bring up old mistakes from the past. Like i really need to be reminded of all the reasons i'm nothing. Like i really don't tell myself everyday, "You should just kill yourself, your never going to amount to anything." "You look really stupid, and everyone can see the real you, even though you can't." "They'll know your a terrible person, it's not that hard to see." Whatever. I'm done. Tired of trying. Tired of false hope. tired of pretending i'm ok. It ends now.
Friday, March 1, 2013
You know what really grinds my gears?
"How are we going to stop these injustices?" This is a question I ask myself on a day to day basis. I can't quite figure out exactly why i'm getting so pent up and upset at society and how it chooses to live. We as a whole are connected, and call me crazy, but I have noticed quite an awakening in the last few years taking place. People are starting to realize this, some aren't, but now seems as good a time as any to stop with the violence, ignorance, bigotry and interolance that go on every day. There is so much more in the world we should be experiencing as a nation, as a planet. To see the beauty in everything and everyone, is healing, helps the loneliness, self destruction, anger, anxiety and hopelessness. We repress our anger for these injustices, and add to the negativity in the world, we look away and ignore whats going on so it's not so scary or so maddening.
Young girls are raised to believe a lot of times that if a boy is mean to you, he likes you (thanks, Pickle, for the inspiration on this one) if he pulls your hair or calls you names, kicks you in the dirt he's just showing he has a crush, (and we all know grade school children are the most impressionable.) This is WRONG PEOPLE! Then, these girls though unawares, so subtly start to believe they are worthless, that men are entitled to women, and women are meant to be second hand citizens. And, we wonder why girls nowadays parade their bodies, and degrade themselves. Yes, somethings can be empowering but sometimes too much, is just too much.
Some men think that women should be big breasted, tiny hipped, and willing to put out to be even worthy of their time. It doesn't matter how they look, it can't be helped (aside from plastic surgery) which even then, shouldn't be helped. You were born the way you are and unless it is interfering with your functioning or quality of life physically, we should all learn to love one another exactly as the other is. We are raised to believe something so extraordinarily ignorant that and refuse to change our opinions on things because we are too set in our ways.
But if we all just opened our minds a little, looked at the duality in all things, good or bad, maybe, just maybe we as a civilization have chance. I see things getting worse and worse everyday and it scares me to think of what my children may have to face if i ever have any. Or my friends children, my nieces or nephews. We are all in this together. One love people, one love.
Young girls are raised to believe a lot of times that if a boy is mean to you, he likes you (thanks, Pickle, for the inspiration on this one) if he pulls your hair or calls you names, kicks you in the dirt he's just showing he has a crush, (and we all know grade school children are the most impressionable.) This is WRONG PEOPLE! Then, these girls though unawares, so subtly start to believe they are worthless, that men are entitled to women, and women are meant to be second hand citizens. And, we wonder why girls nowadays parade their bodies, and degrade themselves. Yes, somethings can be empowering but sometimes too much, is just too much.
Some men think that women should be big breasted, tiny hipped, and willing to put out to be even worthy of their time. It doesn't matter how they look, it can't be helped (aside from plastic surgery) which even then, shouldn't be helped. You were born the way you are and unless it is interfering with your functioning or quality of life physically, we should all learn to love one another exactly as the other is. We are raised to believe something so extraordinarily ignorant that and refuse to change our opinions on things because we are too set in our ways.
But if we all just opened our minds a little, looked at the duality in all things, good or bad, maybe, just maybe we as a civilization have chance. I see things getting worse and worse everyday and it scares me to think of what my children may have to face if i ever have any. Or my friends children, my nieces or nephews. We are all in this together. One love people, one love.
I made the effort at least.
So, as I said in my last blog i was suppose to leave the house today, and it probably wasn't going to happen. I am happy to report, that yes, I had anxiety, I had no motivation, I had no want to even get up out of bed this morning let alone into the shower, but I did it anyways. I got into the shower, dressed nicely (only to inspire myself) and I walked to the bus stop. We waited there, for the bus to take us to the grocery store, which I dreaded but was willing to do.
Turns out the Coffeen Street bus is broken down so they sent the arsenal bus as well, it was about twenty to thirty minutes of unnecessary waiting, but we waited. We ended up leaving early and going back home instead of getting on the bus, but at least I made the effort. For that I am proud. Next time I feel this way, I will try to put myself a little harder and maybe get on that bus.
Turns out the Coffeen Street bus is broken down so they sent the arsenal bus as well, it was about twenty to thirty minutes of unnecessary waiting, but we waited. We ended up leaving early and going back home instead of getting on the bus, but at least I made the effort. For that I am proud. Next time I feel this way, I will try to put myself a little harder and maybe get on that bus.
I keep on, keeping on.
It amazes me, everyday when i wake up how in pain I am. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Yet, I keep on, keeping on. I'm still in love with life, afraid to let go, afraid to leave this world behind, so I do my best to survive, no matter what may go on around me or inside of me. I get the feeling, as I should, that nobody really understands me. Its ok though, I don't expect them to. I just need to take care of this problem by myself. I am a human and I am bound to the suffering that is human nature, and at this point, ignoring the pain has become second nature to me. Almost like an instinct.
My family tries so hard to understand. They don't realize though that any little thing they say or do to try and keep me positive, can also be a trigger, pushing me back further into the depths that are my mind. I get lost in there so easily, letting time pass so quickly its like i've been sucked through a vortex and come out on the other end, hours later. Today is one of those days. I have to say I am disappointed as well, because I actually got out yesterday. I am supposed to leave the house today, but..I don't see that happening.
I try, I really do. But time after time, I am an utter disappointment to those around me. My family, my friends, myself. In fact a good friend wants nothing more then for me to come to her house and I can't even do that for her. I'm paralyzed, afraid of moving forward, afraid to leave my house.
I want so much to live, to breathe the invigorating scent of the atmosphere around me, outside, in the open. I want to feel that fear and punch it in the stomach and embrace my livelihood, and to show the world who I am, but i'm not ready as much as I want to be. I know the first step to finding my soul's purpose is to examine all the things that are not meant for me in this world, but to do that I have to try new things and thats the scariest thing of all. I have to find myself, but where do I look? How do I find me? Who am I?
These things i suppress and hide so easily, as with the fear of abandonment. I used to say i've already been abandoned so I know what its like and its not that bad. Honestly sometimes it really isn't that bad. Something that may make me a monster on the inside is my ability to let go so easily. I can forget about just about anyone and never look back in a matter of days and forget they even existed. This isn't necessarily a good thing. Its a horrible thing in fact. People see me as unemotional, aloof, uncaring, selfish...maybe I am, but I do this, put on this facade to protect myself from more pain. So I never have to see the darkness that is my life again. Yet, as of lately, even this armor is wearing thin. No more protecting myself. No more trying to be someone I'm not. I don't want to be anyone else but me, but I don't know how to be me.
I just don't know if my soul is weakening or my mind is strengthening. It feels like a little bit of both. Its scary to wonder if i'm actually getting better or deluding myself into thinking everything is alright yet again, its happened so many times in the past already.
I'm no longer on Xanax, so I have no method of coping. I've also dropped another vice (which I shall not mention, I do not want to trigger anyone) but its not due to trying. Its basically a forced reason to give it up. Nothing to really be proud of. I also wonder every day if, though I have given up on her completely, and letting her decided whats going to happen next, if my mother will even acknowledge i'm alive and well. She too has the ability to drop people like a bad habit, and it's not the first time she's done it to me. I have always wanted nothing but her acceptance and love, and I felt like I may have almost had it at that time, but it was truly for selfish reasons. She says she loves me and is proud of me. Who could be proud of me? I haven't gotten anywhere, or done anything. I can barely get myself out of bed everyday.
I feel like after all I've been put through and all i've done that maybe my mother wouldn't ignore me like every other problem in her life. I suppose the silent treatment is better then her screaming in my face and raising a fist to me as usual. I can't handle that side of it. I'm not strong enough and maybe she was right. Maybe i'm too weak to face her like that. I know I came off as harsh but I needed to get out my anger, I needed ot get out how she's made me feel and yet, my feelings are invalid, I can tell by the silence.
Everyone else in my family was able to move on. Myself, I was able to move on slightly. But with her recovering from the transplant still, I worry about her to the point of panic attacks over and over again, all day, every day. I am scared that if I say or think the wrong thing about her, the universe will take her away. I couldn't handle that again. Not now. I'm afraid I won't be able to make peace with her and that will be my sentence; another lifetime full of regret and anger. Why do I even bother sometimes?
My family isn't close like other families, and as much as I miss them, its for the better. I mean, we text but we don't talk on the phone. It's a good thing though because I get so nervous anyways, I don't know what to say or i'm afraid i'm letting too much of myself show for them to respect me. They've never put me down, but even little jokes can hurt. They don't know how sensitive I really am, and I don't blame them whatsoever because they don't know. they haven't lived in my mind and it's impossible to be a mind reader. So I keep it all in, for hopes that one day if I start to get better, I can put it all behind me and start over new. Why should I take my misperceptions out on them?
I don't know my purpose anymore. I thought I had one but maybe not everyone does. I feel like everyone around me is moving forward with their life, and if I just stayed inside, without contact, would anyone really wonder where I was, or why I just disappeared? Even as I write this I know how absurd that really sounds, that it's nobodies job to look out for me, but my own, and that people would notice but I just can't get the notion out of my head.
After all, my own husband has nearly given up on us. Yep. He wouldn't even let me have the freedom to go take care of my dying mother, he didn't wait for even five months before making a decision. Instead, he just threw out all my belongings, bought a bus ticket to some obscure city in Washington State and was never even going to look back. He was going to just disappear. I tricked myself into thinking it was because he too has a fear of abandonment so it was leave or be left, but really I was just an afterthought in his mind, one that he didn't really think of. I was like every other person in the world to him. Not the love of his life, or his partner in crime. I was just another person.
Thank god for my ability to subtly intimidate. I was calm with him but I got my point across that he couldn't just leave. That he would have no home, no job, no help or company...that didn't even stop it, what stopped him was me telling him that if he left my dog in New York with other people that it would be the end of him. The end of us. I'm sure he was more concerned with his own well being. I also gave up my healing process to ensure he didn't leave and I came back to Watertown, where every day is just another day in gloom and doom.
I know this isn't how it really is. Its not all gloom and doom but at least I was getting the help I needed. I may have even ended up on medications that could have possibly helped me for free, but I gave up the opportunity. But every day I wonder why I came back. I wonder if it was a good idea. I feel more lost then ever, more alone then ever and more regret tears an even bigger hole in my chest then before. But still, I keep on, keeping on.
My family tries so hard to understand. They don't realize though that any little thing they say or do to try and keep me positive, can also be a trigger, pushing me back further into the depths that are my mind. I get lost in there so easily, letting time pass so quickly its like i've been sucked through a vortex and come out on the other end, hours later. Today is one of those days. I have to say I am disappointed as well, because I actually got out yesterday. I am supposed to leave the house today, but..I don't see that happening.
I try, I really do. But time after time, I am an utter disappointment to those around me. My family, my friends, myself. In fact a good friend wants nothing more then for me to come to her house and I can't even do that for her. I'm paralyzed, afraid of moving forward, afraid to leave my house.
I want so much to live, to breathe the invigorating scent of the atmosphere around me, outside, in the open. I want to feel that fear and punch it in the stomach and embrace my livelihood, and to show the world who I am, but i'm not ready as much as I want to be. I know the first step to finding my soul's purpose is to examine all the things that are not meant for me in this world, but to do that I have to try new things and thats the scariest thing of all. I have to find myself, but where do I look? How do I find me? Who am I?
These things i suppress and hide so easily, as with the fear of abandonment. I used to say i've already been abandoned so I know what its like and its not that bad. Honestly sometimes it really isn't that bad. Something that may make me a monster on the inside is my ability to let go so easily. I can forget about just about anyone and never look back in a matter of days and forget they even existed. This isn't necessarily a good thing. Its a horrible thing in fact. People see me as unemotional, aloof, uncaring, selfish...maybe I am, but I do this, put on this facade to protect myself from more pain. So I never have to see the darkness that is my life again. Yet, as of lately, even this armor is wearing thin. No more protecting myself. No more trying to be someone I'm not. I don't want to be anyone else but me, but I don't know how to be me.
I just don't know if my soul is weakening or my mind is strengthening. It feels like a little bit of both. Its scary to wonder if i'm actually getting better or deluding myself into thinking everything is alright yet again, its happened so many times in the past already.
I'm no longer on Xanax, so I have no method of coping. I've also dropped another vice (which I shall not mention, I do not want to trigger anyone) but its not due to trying. Its basically a forced reason to give it up. Nothing to really be proud of. I also wonder every day if, though I have given up on her completely, and letting her decided whats going to happen next, if my mother will even acknowledge i'm alive and well. She too has the ability to drop people like a bad habit, and it's not the first time she's done it to me. I have always wanted nothing but her acceptance and love, and I felt like I may have almost had it at that time, but it was truly for selfish reasons. She says she loves me and is proud of me. Who could be proud of me? I haven't gotten anywhere, or done anything. I can barely get myself out of bed everyday.
I feel like after all I've been put through and all i've done that maybe my mother wouldn't ignore me like every other problem in her life. I suppose the silent treatment is better then her screaming in my face and raising a fist to me as usual. I can't handle that side of it. I'm not strong enough and maybe she was right. Maybe i'm too weak to face her like that. I know I came off as harsh but I needed to get out my anger, I needed ot get out how she's made me feel and yet, my feelings are invalid, I can tell by the silence.
Everyone else in my family was able to move on. Myself, I was able to move on slightly. But with her recovering from the transplant still, I worry about her to the point of panic attacks over and over again, all day, every day. I am scared that if I say or think the wrong thing about her, the universe will take her away. I couldn't handle that again. Not now. I'm afraid I won't be able to make peace with her and that will be my sentence; another lifetime full of regret and anger. Why do I even bother sometimes?
My family isn't close like other families, and as much as I miss them, its for the better. I mean, we text but we don't talk on the phone. It's a good thing though because I get so nervous anyways, I don't know what to say or i'm afraid i'm letting too much of myself show for them to respect me. They've never put me down, but even little jokes can hurt. They don't know how sensitive I really am, and I don't blame them whatsoever because they don't know. they haven't lived in my mind and it's impossible to be a mind reader. So I keep it all in, for hopes that one day if I start to get better, I can put it all behind me and start over new. Why should I take my misperceptions out on them?
I don't know my purpose anymore. I thought I had one but maybe not everyone does. I feel like everyone around me is moving forward with their life, and if I just stayed inside, without contact, would anyone really wonder where I was, or why I just disappeared? Even as I write this I know how absurd that really sounds, that it's nobodies job to look out for me, but my own, and that people would notice but I just can't get the notion out of my head.
After all, my own husband has nearly given up on us. Yep. He wouldn't even let me have the freedom to go take care of my dying mother, he didn't wait for even five months before making a decision. Instead, he just threw out all my belongings, bought a bus ticket to some obscure city in Washington State and was never even going to look back. He was going to just disappear. I tricked myself into thinking it was because he too has a fear of abandonment so it was leave or be left, but really I was just an afterthought in his mind, one that he didn't really think of. I was like every other person in the world to him. Not the love of his life, or his partner in crime. I was just another person.
Thank god for my ability to subtly intimidate. I was calm with him but I got my point across that he couldn't just leave. That he would have no home, no job, no help or company...that didn't even stop it, what stopped him was me telling him that if he left my dog in New York with other people that it would be the end of him. The end of us. I'm sure he was more concerned with his own well being. I also gave up my healing process to ensure he didn't leave and I came back to Watertown, where every day is just another day in gloom and doom.
I know this isn't how it really is. Its not all gloom and doom but at least I was getting the help I needed. I may have even ended up on medications that could have possibly helped me for free, but I gave up the opportunity. But every day I wonder why I came back. I wonder if it was a good idea. I feel more lost then ever, more alone then ever and more regret tears an even bigger hole in my chest then before. But still, I keep on, keeping on.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Do you ever feel Stuck?
Oh, I must say that today I am a bit discouraged. Ok, maybe a lot discouraged. I have so much confusion and blurry haze surrounding my purpose at the moment. My dilemma is I want a career. I am ready to go out into the world and show it what I have to offer, but at the same time, I have no idea what I want to do. I like being a Reiki healer, but I realize it doesn't exactly come from me. I have talents and gifts to show off to the world but nothing so good as of yet, that could become my niche. I want something to make money off of that I will enjoy. I just don't know what to do or how to get started, even what i'm REALLY interested in doing. The healing would be a good one but there isn't high demand for it, and many people can either Reiki themselves if they have been attuned or go to someone they know already to do it. I tried in Nebraska, because it's not widespread but I got no takers and found out that someone else was in the business and in Nebraska, theres barely any demand at all.
Everyone tells me not to worry, I will soon figure it out or I should meditate on it, or think about what makes me most passionate. The thing is I've meditated, long and hard. I have a blockage when it comes to figuring this out. I know I don't want a 9-5 job anymore because I need to be able to work at my own pace, and on my own comfort level. *Siiiiigggggghhhhhh*
I am staying positive about it. I haven't given up yet, and I don't intend to until I find what I really and truly wanted to do, but i'm at the point where I am sick of waiting. I'm ready to move on to a new phase of my life, I can and will succeed when I start whatever it is i'm going to start, because now i've balanced my dream power with physical action. I'm just so restless right now.
I don't normally ask for outside guidance and often when I do, I end up figuring out the problem on my own anyways. But this time....this time is different. I don't know. I'm just searching for an opportunity, i'm waiting for it too, but nothing ever comes. I'm 25 years old and feel like I want to contribute to society as well my own household. Anyways. Rant over. My Searching continues.
Everyone tells me not to worry, I will soon figure it out or I should meditate on it, or think about what makes me most passionate. The thing is I've meditated, long and hard. I have a blockage when it comes to figuring this out. I know I don't want a 9-5 job anymore because I need to be able to work at my own pace, and on my own comfort level. *Siiiiigggggghhhhhh*
I am staying positive about it. I haven't given up yet, and I don't intend to until I find what I really and truly wanted to do, but i'm at the point where I am sick of waiting. I'm ready to move on to a new phase of my life, I can and will succeed when I start whatever it is i'm going to start, because now i've balanced my dream power with physical action. I'm just so restless right now.
I don't normally ask for outside guidance and often when I do, I end up figuring out the problem on my own anyways. But this time....this time is different. I don't know. I'm just searching for an opportunity, i'm waiting for it too, but nothing ever comes. I'm 25 years old and feel like I want to contribute to society as well my own household. Anyways. Rant over. My Searching continues.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
I am Vegan, hear me Roar!
Upon my husbands request I shall say this..."I gots NO beefs, cause I eats no meats!" (Lyrics spoken by Yolandi of Die Aantword) Oh how right you are, Jeffy, and how creative you are. Thank you for the support on my blog, baby cakes, it means to world to me as do you!
When I was fifteen, a lot of things happened to me. I started to see the world in a different way. I suppose you could say I gained minimal consciousness for the humanity in all things...minimal, Meaning: I was a christian at the time, but I didn't really take it seriously. Didn't even realize I was a half- ball of crazy...
I learnt about myself, and how lost I was, but I digress...I wanted to be vegetarian in the sixth grade and I started being this way for about a week. Things went well, then I went to school one day and got fries for lunch. All of the friends who had sat at my table kept making fun of me, calling me a poser vegetarian, saying I wasn't really succeeding at the whole vegetarian thing, because my fries were fried in oil which contained fat from animals. I was highly discouraged after a couple of days of this, and not eating. I went home and even there I got lashings about being a vegetarian. "You have to eat meat to survive, and i'm not switching to rabbit food to make you happy." Ah yes, my father as much of a support as he was, and a good father he was, loved his meat and was worried maybe that i'd try to push this on him.
Everywhere I went, every corner I turned to, it seemed there was not only people outside of my mind telling me I couldn't do it and to give up, but inside my head, a voice, this little nagging woman who was always so cynical and judgmental, more then anyone could ever be to me, put me down time after time. So, I gave up. However, my views and opinions didn't change. In fact, every time I looked at meat, I could see the animals and the Gods above judging as well. "I'm a terrible person for eating this filth," the voice in my head would say. I didn't know how to make it go away but I was afraid to even try anymore. So, I judged myself day after day, for years...
This was the start of my pain on not knowing myself and letting go of any and all boundaries I should have had. I guess I was so sensitive I let others begin to dictate my mind. I became the victim and this went on for so long that I started to forget who I really was. I had no idea what kind of person I was, what I was really into, things that I disliked...I just went on, a soulless empty shell, trying to hold on to the cracked pieces just outside and around me.
I also met a woman who was vegan, which at that point I actually hadn't ever heard of. She was smart, and beautiful, thin and fit. She had this air of grace about her. Like a lioness she stood regal and strong. She was amazing and she was who I wanted to be. She was compassionate and understanding, hard working and well balanced. She truly was the person I wanted to be. I was jealous but in a non-violent or angry way. I secretly wished that I could just have her life, and her career, her values and morals. I didn't realize how far from my own truth I really was though. I couldn't have her life. I couldn't have her values or morals because I refused to stand for anything. I had given up early in life. I had been so lost with no guidance.
That was then, though. This is now. Now, i'm learning those boundaries. I still don't know who I am, I still don't know truly what I stand for, except for some core morals and beliefs. I still don't fully know where my boundaries lie and what kind of person I truly am on the inside. Everyday is a fight, every day is a crashing of disillusionment and walls i've put up for fear of shining. I have no one to blame for that except myself, but I will say this: If humanity were kinder to one another, more understanding, less judgmental and envious of others, and fought for themselves to be real and unique and creative, and helped others to shine, we wouldn't have this scenario so often. It would be far and few between that people felt the way I feel.
The D.I.D doesn't help with this, I have large chunks of my childhood missing, I only remember major events which happened later in my childhood. I don't know what kind of child I was, I don't know what kind of things I liked to do. All I know is its a big black vortex, it's always there, swirling and pulling me into the depths of blackness I never want to return to, but I don't know why or what lies on the opposite side of that vortex. I have repressed memories from so long ago, up until a few years ago even, that i'm still trying to piece together. I become someone i'm not all the time and I don't know the real me to this day, but like I said, I am fighting and this is my path.
One thing I know is i'm a very sentient being. I feel the pain of others, which has caused a bit of the anxiety I feel every day. I take on other's emotions and their negative energies but I can not transmute this energy and give it back. It stores itself in to my center like a cancer, eating away at my thoughts, causing my self destruction. But now that I actually know this, and can be aware of it, I can change it which I have. There are times I forget to protect myself and then I take a while to recover, but i'm learning more and more and growing stronger each day. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks and agoraphobia so badly that sometimes I don't leave my house for weeks, even months at a time unless there is a comfort person with me. Someone who I feel can protect me if something goes awry. In many ways i'm still that little lost girl within myself, needing comfort and care. which i've recently learned no one can provide, except the adult part of me. I can tend to my own wounds and celebrate motherhood though i'm not physically able to have children, spiritually, there is a little girl in my care wanting to be freed and waiting to be mothered. That little girl will always be there with me.
She is an alternate personality. I am not able to stop when she comes out but I am co-conscious of her, and therefore able to control some of what goes on around me, but she for the most part has the say when she is looking at the world through our eyes.
But again, I digress. So, veganism, I have finally learnt is a part of me. It started about a year ago when I found out that my great grandfather Wesley Rookstool was a vegetarian. It was due to the pain he too felt from having to kill chickens with his own hands as a teenage boy. He felt so horrid that it traumatized him so much he couldn't eat meat anymore. I remember my father saying one time about my grandfather, "If I were half the man he was, or had even an ounce of his personality, i'd be the person who I want to be. Your grandfather is a great man." I knew this as well with every ounce of my being. He was an amazingly compassionate individual who until he could no longer be independent in his old age lived in the moment, and taught others to do so as well. he was also a simple man, who lived in a simple house, in a simple place and yearned for simple pleasures of everyday life.
When I found out he was vegetarian it made me want to do it all over again. It made me want to learn a life lesson, buckle down and do what I felt was right for ME. but it still took a year, and a long line of small life lessons to get me to the point of actually trying again. Still I waited and delayed. I procrastinated in fear of that same familiar feeling of fear bubbling up within me.
Finally one day, I had a dream that I went vegan and the next day I woke up, someone had texted me about veganism, and I logged onto my Facebook account and again I saw three or four random posts about veganism. This is not a daily happenstance for me, and I am one who always looks for signs, symbols, and guidance. I did a tarot reading (I love divinations and often get answers I seek through the cards or meditation.) and the card I got was very positive. It indicated there would be a new awareness coming my way, a positive thrust forward, healing, and self discovery. I couldn't turn away from this.
I thought about it for about a week straight and was actually waiting, and delaying for fear of failure again until my friend Katie and I talked about it. She told me how amazing I am, that I just needed the confidence to do it and needed the support I never had, which she became for me. I did it for the animals, I did it for my spirituality, and I did it for myself, health and all, but I started. I surprisingly had support from my husband. I said to him, "Maybe you could eat what you want at work then come home and eat like me?" He agreed but went the extra mile and went vegan altogether with me.
Katie also told me that I would mess up sometimes, and not to just give up and feel like I had to start over, but to keep moving. I would have relapses and screw up, and i shouldn't judge myself. When she gave me that advice it really did shift my consciousness a little, giving me a new perspective and new confidence. She truly is an inspiration to me. She truly is the support I needed.
Now, I look forward to the tasty vegan treats i'll be eating for the rest of my life, the guilt free lifestyle, the health and spirituality that comes with this new found change of mine, but most of all, i'm surprised that I had as much support as I do, that it's actually quite easy for me. I will not back down. I will not give in. I stand for the animals who do not have a voice and for the spirit inside of me calling to be set free as well as that little girl within. I am vegan, Hear me roar!
When I was fifteen, a lot of things happened to me. I started to see the world in a different way. I suppose you could say I gained minimal consciousness for the humanity in all things...minimal, Meaning: I was a christian at the time, but I didn't really take it seriously. Didn't even realize I was a half- ball of crazy...
I learnt about myself, and how lost I was, but I digress...I wanted to be vegetarian in the sixth grade and I started being this way for about a week. Things went well, then I went to school one day and got fries for lunch. All of the friends who had sat at my table kept making fun of me, calling me a poser vegetarian, saying I wasn't really succeeding at the whole vegetarian thing, because my fries were fried in oil which contained fat from animals. I was highly discouraged after a couple of days of this, and not eating. I went home and even there I got lashings about being a vegetarian. "You have to eat meat to survive, and i'm not switching to rabbit food to make you happy." Ah yes, my father as much of a support as he was, and a good father he was, loved his meat and was worried maybe that i'd try to push this on him.
Everywhere I went, every corner I turned to, it seemed there was not only people outside of my mind telling me I couldn't do it and to give up, but inside my head, a voice, this little nagging woman who was always so cynical and judgmental, more then anyone could ever be to me, put me down time after time. So, I gave up. However, my views and opinions didn't change. In fact, every time I looked at meat, I could see the animals and the Gods above judging as well. "I'm a terrible person for eating this filth," the voice in my head would say. I didn't know how to make it go away but I was afraid to even try anymore. So, I judged myself day after day, for years...
This was the start of my pain on not knowing myself and letting go of any and all boundaries I should have had. I guess I was so sensitive I let others begin to dictate my mind. I became the victim and this went on for so long that I started to forget who I really was. I had no idea what kind of person I was, what I was really into, things that I disliked...I just went on, a soulless empty shell, trying to hold on to the cracked pieces just outside and around me.
I also met a woman who was vegan, which at that point I actually hadn't ever heard of. She was smart, and beautiful, thin and fit. She had this air of grace about her. Like a lioness she stood regal and strong. She was amazing and she was who I wanted to be. She was compassionate and understanding, hard working and well balanced. She truly was the person I wanted to be. I was jealous but in a non-violent or angry way. I secretly wished that I could just have her life, and her career, her values and morals. I didn't realize how far from my own truth I really was though. I couldn't have her life. I couldn't have her values or morals because I refused to stand for anything. I had given up early in life. I had been so lost with no guidance.
That was then, though. This is now. Now, i'm learning those boundaries. I still don't know who I am, I still don't know truly what I stand for, except for some core morals and beliefs. I still don't fully know where my boundaries lie and what kind of person I truly am on the inside. Everyday is a fight, every day is a crashing of disillusionment and walls i've put up for fear of shining. I have no one to blame for that except myself, but I will say this: If humanity were kinder to one another, more understanding, less judgmental and envious of others, and fought for themselves to be real and unique and creative, and helped others to shine, we wouldn't have this scenario so often. It would be far and few between that people felt the way I feel.
The D.I.D doesn't help with this, I have large chunks of my childhood missing, I only remember major events which happened later in my childhood. I don't know what kind of child I was, I don't know what kind of things I liked to do. All I know is its a big black vortex, it's always there, swirling and pulling me into the depths of blackness I never want to return to, but I don't know why or what lies on the opposite side of that vortex. I have repressed memories from so long ago, up until a few years ago even, that i'm still trying to piece together. I become someone i'm not all the time and I don't know the real me to this day, but like I said, I am fighting and this is my path.
One thing I know is i'm a very sentient being. I feel the pain of others, which has caused a bit of the anxiety I feel every day. I take on other's emotions and their negative energies but I can not transmute this energy and give it back. It stores itself in to my center like a cancer, eating away at my thoughts, causing my self destruction. But now that I actually know this, and can be aware of it, I can change it which I have. There are times I forget to protect myself and then I take a while to recover, but i'm learning more and more and growing stronger each day. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks and agoraphobia so badly that sometimes I don't leave my house for weeks, even months at a time unless there is a comfort person with me. Someone who I feel can protect me if something goes awry. In many ways i'm still that little lost girl within myself, needing comfort and care. which i've recently learned no one can provide, except the adult part of me. I can tend to my own wounds and celebrate motherhood though i'm not physically able to have children, spiritually, there is a little girl in my care wanting to be freed and waiting to be mothered. That little girl will always be there with me.
She is an alternate personality. I am not able to stop when she comes out but I am co-conscious of her, and therefore able to control some of what goes on around me, but she for the most part has the say when she is looking at the world through our eyes.
But again, I digress. So, veganism, I have finally learnt is a part of me. It started about a year ago when I found out that my great grandfather Wesley Rookstool was a vegetarian. It was due to the pain he too felt from having to kill chickens with his own hands as a teenage boy. He felt so horrid that it traumatized him so much he couldn't eat meat anymore. I remember my father saying one time about my grandfather, "If I were half the man he was, or had even an ounce of his personality, i'd be the person who I want to be. Your grandfather is a great man." I knew this as well with every ounce of my being. He was an amazingly compassionate individual who until he could no longer be independent in his old age lived in the moment, and taught others to do so as well. he was also a simple man, who lived in a simple house, in a simple place and yearned for simple pleasures of everyday life.
When I found out he was vegetarian it made me want to do it all over again. It made me want to learn a life lesson, buckle down and do what I felt was right for ME. but it still took a year, and a long line of small life lessons to get me to the point of actually trying again. Still I waited and delayed. I procrastinated in fear of that same familiar feeling of fear bubbling up within me.
Finally one day, I had a dream that I went vegan and the next day I woke up, someone had texted me about veganism, and I logged onto my Facebook account and again I saw three or four random posts about veganism. This is not a daily happenstance for me, and I am one who always looks for signs, symbols, and guidance. I did a tarot reading (I love divinations and often get answers I seek through the cards or meditation.) and the card I got was very positive. It indicated there would be a new awareness coming my way, a positive thrust forward, healing, and self discovery. I couldn't turn away from this.
I thought about it for about a week straight and was actually waiting, and delaying for fear of failure again until my friend Katie and I talked about it. She told me how amazing I am, that I just needed the confidence to do it and needed the support I never had, which she became for me. I did it for the animals, I did it for my spirituality, and I did it for myself, health and all, but I started. I surprisingly had support from my husband. I said to him, "Maybe you could eat what you want at work then come home and eat like me?" He agreed but went the extra mile and went vegan altogether with me.
Katie also told me that I would mess up sometimes, and not to just give up and feel like I had to start over, but to keep moving. I would have relapses and screw up, and i shouldn't judge myself. When she gave me that advice it really did shift my consciousness a little, giving me a new perspective and new confidence. She truly is an inspiration to me. She truly is the support I needed.
Now, I look forward to the tasty vegan treats i'll be eating for the rest of my life, the guilt free lifestyle, the health and spirituality that comes with this new found change of mine, but most of all, i'm surprised that I had as much support as I do, that it's actually quite easy for me. I will not back down. I will not give in. I stand for the animals who do not have a voice and for the spirit inside of me calling to be set free as well as that little girl within. I am vegan, Hear me roar!
Today, Today, Today...
Today, Today, Today...
A good day to start living in the moment, but also a good day to plan for your future. I am too busy living in the past, and today that will change. Today. I guess it's best to start from the beginning, huh? To show from the very beginning, my journey and how I got to the path i'm on. Let me start by saying, this path isn't paved. It is rocky. It is winding, and forked, in a lot of different places. Once thing I may say about my path though, it is beautiful, scenic if you will, where no short cuts are available. It is an every growing consciousness within me, and it is unique.
My path is an emotional one. A path where tis dimly lit, with prisms of the spirit dancing all around me, showing me new shapes and colors the world has never seen before. This is not exactly in a physical sense true, but spiritually, mentally, emotionally and metaphorically I can say it most certainly is. I was a young girl, taken from my mother and later revealed she had given my brother and I up into the system, as a couple of foster kids. Luckily my brother found a home (may not have been the best of homes) but he was able to stay there until adulthood essentially. Myself, on the other hand. Not so lucky. I had a lot of anger and sorrow buried deep within because of the hand I was dealt. I learned though not to take it so seriously, as if Some guy in the sky had ordered a dark and gloomy raincloud to follow me throughout my days. My teenage hood was definitely severed before my very eyes by my depression and horrid life lessons that I had failed to learn.
So, foster homes. My father was next. He picked me up out of the gutter i'd been thrown in and kept me for his own. He tried to get my brother as well out of the system but was unable due to not being the biological father. My brother however, spent all his free time at my father and I's house.
Things went well for a few years. Until the depression got to be too much. I had started lying for my mother who had taken off and come back finally and lied, and lied...all the while to my father and I, being young and unfortunately too impressionable to do the right thing, began lying for her, covering for her, beyond the former abuse (all emotional as far as I can remember; but i'll get to that later) and manipulation. But, my father being the compassionate brown bear spirit he was, forgave and forgot and fought harder to teach me good morals and values. I will forever be grateful of him for that.
He died however, in 2001, and left me feeling crushed and all alone at the age of 13. I was angry for a very long time. It took me about twelve years to comprehend how to even begin the mourning process, every day even gloomier and more hopeless then the last. I went on to live with my grandmother who tried her hardest to care for me, but the anxiety and problems in her life surmounted to high depths and left her unable to tend to my needs. She never gave up and found me the best home she could in foster care. The people i went to live with were guardians of my older sister (oldest of us three siblings.)
I survived there, alone, and miserable, isolated and emotionally rebellious for a couple of years, until the age of 15 when I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder; chronic and severe depression, and Dissociative Identity Disorder. These did not bode well with my foster parents who decided to give up on my care (upon my request--it was either boys town or a new foster family.)
My fathers parents took me in until I turned 18 and when "thought" I was ready to move out into the world on my own, they let me spread my wings and fly gracefully. I was still miserable and became a misery, and misery loves company. So, I got in with the wrong crowd, and ran from my hometown with a convicted felon, came back and moved to New York with my brother and his wife and three children.
Series of jobs, depression, giving up, and meeting the man of my dreams, getting married and years later, here I am. I've already been through a series of life lessons as well as personal evolution and though my life seems chaotic and miserable, i'm thankful for every bit of it. I started out as a christian and realized that not every path is meant for every person so I very slowly became a pagan and learned the ways of the old religion. I learned tolerance for all things unique and all paths alike as long as they are peaceful and I learned to respect all life.
I have met some amazing people along the way that have taught me i'm worth every ounce of effort I am starting to show to care for myself. Its been a long process and a very strange one.
So, let me tell you about myself. I am a ritualistic Buddhist and Reiki 1 healer. I perform rituals and on occasion put my intentions into the universe through ritual. Some might call these spells but I only do healing and divinations basically. I do belong to an eclectic pagan coven, and i do honor gods and goddesses. I know as a buddhist I do not actually believe in gods and goddesses, but I believe in the energy of them, aspects of the myths and energy surrounding different pantheons and individual god/esses and when i'm suffering through a situation and need help I call these features, traits, characteristics, aspects to myself to help cope or come to certain understandings. Most importantly I am on a very long journey of self discovery and releasing my past.
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