I am Vegan, hear me Roar!

     Upon my husbands request I shall say this..."I gots NO beefs, cause I eats no meats!" (Lyrics spoken by Yolandi of Die Aantword)  Oh how right you are, Jeffy, and how creative you are. Thank you for the support on my blog, baby cakes, it means to world to me as do you!
     When I was fifteen, a lot of things happened to me. I started to see the world in a different way. I suppose you could say I gained minimal consciousness for the humanity in all things...minimal, Meaning: I was a christian at the time, but I didn't really take it seriously. Didn't even realize I was a half- ball of crazy...
      I learnt about myself, and how lost I was, but I digress...I wanted to be vegetarian in the sixth grade and I started being this way for about a week. Things went well, then I went to school one day and got fries for lunch. All of the friends who had sat at my table kept making fun of me, calling me a poser vegetarian, saying I wasn't really succeeding at the whole vegetarian thing, because my fries were fried in oil which contained fat from animals. I was highly discouraged after a couple of days of this, and not eating. I went home and even there I got lashings about being a vegetarian. "You have to eat meat to survive, and i'm not switching to rabbit food to make you happy." Ah yes, my father as much of a support as he was, and a good father he was, loved his meat and was worried maybe that i'd try to push this on him.
     Everywhere I went, every corner I turned to, it seemed there was not only people outside of my mind telling me I couldn't do it and to give up, but inside my head, a voice, this little nagging woman who was always so cynical and judgmental, more then anyone could ever be to me, put me down time after time. So, I gave up. However, my views and opinions didn't change. In fact, every time I looked at meat, I could see the animals and the Gods above judging as well. "I'm a terrible person for eating this filth," the voice in my head would say. I didn't know how to make it go away but I was afraid to even try anymore. So, I judged myself day after day, for years...
     This was the start of my pain on not knowing myself and letting go of any and all boundaries I should have had. I guess I was so sensitive I let others begin to dictate my mind. I became the victim and this went on for so long that I started to forget who I really was. I had no idea what kind of person I was, what I was really into, things that I disliked...I just went on, a soulless empty shell, trying to hold on to the cracked pieces just outside and around me.
      I also met a woman who was vegan, which at that point I actually hadn't ever heard of. She was smart, and beautiful, thin and fit. She had this air of grace about her. Like a lioness she stood regal and strong.  She was amazing and she was who I wanted to be. She was compassionate and understanding, hard working and well balanced. She truly was the person I wanted to be. I was jealous but in a non-violent or angry way. I secretly wished that I could just have her life, and her career, her values and morals. I didn't realize how far from my own truth I really was though. I couldn't have her life. I couldn't have her values or morals because I refused to stand for anything. I had given up early in life. I had been so lost with no guidance.
     That was then, though. This is now. Now, i'm learning those boundaries. I still don't know who I am, I still don't know truly what I stand for, except for some core morals and beliefs. I still don't fully know where my boundaries lie and what kind of person I truly am on the inside. Everyday is a fight, every day is a crashing of disillusionment and walls i've put up for fear of shining. I have no one to blame for that except myself, but I will say this: If humanity were kinder to one another, more understanding, less judgmental and envious of others, and fought for themselves to be real and unique and creative, and helped others to shine, we wouldn't have this scenario so often. It would be far and few between that people felt the way I feel.
     The D.I.D doesn't help with this, I have large chunks of my childhood missing, I only remember major events which happened later in my childhood. I don't know what kind of child I was, I don't know what kind of things I liked to do. All I know is its a big black vortex, it's always there, swirling and pulling me into the depths of blackness I never want to return to, but I don't know why or what lies on the opposite side of that vortex. I have repressed memories from so long ago, up until a few years ago even, that i'm still trying to piece together. I become someone i'm not all the time and I don't know the real me to this day, but like I said, I am fighting and this is my path.
     One thing I know is i'm a very sentient being. I feel the pain of others, which has caused a bit of the anxiety I feel every day.  I take on other's emotions and their negative energies but I can not transmute this energy and give it back. It stores itself in to my center like a cancer, eating away at my thoughts, causing my self destruction. But now that I actually know this, and can be aware of it, I can change it which I have. There are times I forget to protect myself and then I take a while to recover, but i'm learning more and more and growing stronger each day. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks and agoraphobia so badly that sometimes I don't leave my house for weeks, even months at a time unless there is a comfort person with me. Someone who I feel can protect me if something goes awry. In many ways i'm still that little lost girl within myself, needing comfort and care. which i've recently learned no one can provide, except the adult part of me. I can tend to my own wounds and celebrate motherhood though i'm not physically able to have children, spiritually, there is a little girl in my care wanting to be freed and waiting to be mothered. That little girl will always be there with me.
     She is an alternate personality. I am not able to stop when she comes out but I am co-conscious of her, and therefore able to control some of what goes on around me, but she for the most part has the say when she is looking at the world through our eyes.
     But again, I digress. So, veganism, I have finally learnt is a part of me. It started about a year ago when I found out that my great grandfather Wesley Rookstool was a vegetarian. It was due to the pain he too felt from having to kill chickens with his own hands as a teenage boy. He felt so horrid that it traumatized him so much he couldn't eat meat anymore. I remember my father saying one time about my grandfather, "If I were half the man he was, or had even an ounce of his personality, i'd be the person who I want to be. Your grandfather is a great man." I knew this as well with every ounce of my being. He was an amazingly compassionate individual who until he could no longer be independent in his old age lived in the moment, and taught others to do so as well. he was also a simple man, who lived in a simple house, in a simple place and yearned for simple pleasures of everyday life.
     When I found out he was vegetarian it made me want to do it all over again. It made me want to learn a life lesson, buckle down and do what I felt was right for ME. but it still took a year, and a long line of small life lessons to get me to the point of actually trying again. Still I waited and delayed. I procrastinated in fear of that same familiar feeling of fear bubbling up within me.
     Finally one day, I had a dream that I went vegan and the next day I woke up, someone had texted me about veganism, and I logged onto my Facebook account and again I saw three or four random posts about veganism. This is not a daily happenstance for me, and I am one who always looks for signs, symbols, and guidance.  I did a tarot reading (I love divinations and often get answers I seek through the cards or meditation.) and the card I got was very positive. It indicated there would be a new awareness coming my way, a positive thrust forward, healing, and self discovery. I couldn't turn away from this.
     I thought about it for about a week straight and was actually waiting, and delaying for fear of failure again until my friend Katie and I talked about it. She told me how amazing I am, that I just needed the confidence to do it and needed the support I never had, which she became for me. I did it for the animals, I did it for my spirituality, and I did it for myself, health and all, but I started. I surprisingly had support from my husband. I said to him, "Maybe you could eat what you want at work then come home and eat like me?" He agreed but went the extra mile and went vegan altogether with me.
     Katie also told me that I would mess up sometimes, and not to just give up and feel like I had to start over, but to keep moving. I would have relapses and screw up, and i shouldn't judge myself. When she gave me that advice it really did shift my consciousness a little, giving me a new perspective and new confidence. She truly is an inspiration to me. She truly is the support I needed.
     Now, I look forward to the tasty vegan treats i'll be eating for the rest of my life, the guilt free lifestyle, the health and spirituality that comes with this new found  change of mine, but most of all, i'm surprised that I had as much support as I do, that it's actually quite easy for me. I will not back down. I will not give in. I stand for the animals who do not have a voice and for the spirit inside of me calling to be set free as well as that little girl within.  I am vegan, Hear me roar!