Oh, I must say that today I am a bit discouraged. Ok, maybe a lot discouraged. I have so much confusion and blurry haze surrounding my purpose at the moment. My dilemma is I want a career. I am ready to go out into the world and show it what I have to offer, but at the same time, I have no idea what I want to do. I like being a Reiki healer, but I realize it doesn't exactly come from me. I have talents and gifts to show off to the world but nothing so good as of yet, that could become my niche. I want something to make money off of that I will enjoy. I just don't know what to do or how to get started, even what i'm REALLY interested in doing. The healing would be a good one but there isn't high demand for it, and many people can either Reiki themselves if they have been attuned or go to someone they know already to do it. I tried in Nebraska, because it's not widespread but I got no takers and found out that someone else was in the business and in Nebraska, theres barely any demand at all.
Everyone tells me not to worry, I will soon figure it out or I should meditate on it, or think about what makes me most passionate. The thing is I've meditated, long and hard. I have a blockage when it comes to figuring this out. I know I don't want a 9-5 job anymore because I need to be able to work at my own pace, and on my own comfort level. *Siiiiigggggghhhhhh*
I am staying positive about it. I haven't given up yet, and I don't intend to until I find what I really and truly wanted to do, but i'm at the point where I am sick of waiting. I'm ready to move on to a new phase of my life, I can and will succeed when I start whatever it is i'm going to start, because now i've balanced my dream power with physical action. I'm just so restless right now.
I don't normally ask for outside guidance and often when I do, I end up figuring out the problem on my own anyways. But this time....this time is different. I don't know. I'm just searching for an opportunity, i'm waiting for it too, but nothing ever comes. I'm 25 years old and feel like I want to contribute to society as well my own household. Anyways. Rant over. My Searching continues.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
I am Vegan, hear me Roar!
Upon my husbands request I shall say this..."I gots NO beefs, cause I eats no meats!" (Lyrics spoken by Yolandi of Die Aantword) Oh how right you are, Jeffy, and how creative you are. Thank you for the support on my blog, baby cakes, it means to world to me as do you!
When I was fifteen, a lot of things happened to me. I started to see the world in a different way. I suppose you could say I gained minimal consciousness for the humanity in all things...minimal, Meaning: I was a christian at the time, but I didn't really take it seriously. Didn't even realize I was a half- ball of crazy...
I learnt about myself, and how lost I was, but I digress...I wanted to be vegetarian in the sixth grade and I started being this way for about a week. Things went well, then I went to school one day and got fries for lunch. All of the friends who had sat at my table kept making fun of me, calling me a poser vegetarian, saying I wasn't really succeeding at the whole vegetarian thing, because my fries were fried in oil which contained fat from animals. I was highly discouraged after a couple of days of this, and not eating. I went home and even there I got lashings about being a vegetarian. "You have to eat meat to survive, and i'm not switching to rabbit food to make you happy." Ah yes, my father as much of a support as he was, and a good father he was, loved his meat and was worried maybe that i'd try to push this on him.
Everywhere I went, every corner I turned to, it seemed there was not only people outside of my mind telling me I couldn't do it and to give up, but inside my head, a voice, this little nagging woman who was always so cynical and judgmental, more then anyone could ever be to me, put me down time after time. So, I gave up. However, my views and opinions didn't change. In fact, every time I looked at meat, I could see the animals and the Gods above judging as well. "I'm a terrible person for eating this filth," the voice in my head would say. I didn't know how to make it go away but I was afraid to even try anymore. So, I judged myself day after day, for years...
This was the start of my pain on not knowing myself and letting go of any and all boundaries I should have had. I guess I was so sensitive I let others begin to dictate my mind. I became the victim and this went on for so long that I started to forget who I really was. I had no idea what kind of person I was, what I was really into, things that I disliked...I just went on, a soulless empty shell, trying to hold on to the cracked pieces just outside and around me.
I also met a woman who was vegan, which at that point I actually hadn't ever heard of. She was smart, and beautiful, thin and fit. She had this air of grace about her. Like a lioness she stood regal and strong. She was amazing and she was who I wanted to be. She was compassionate and understanding, hard working and well balanced. She truly was the person I wanted to be. I was jealous but in a non-violent or angry way. I secretly wished that I could just have her life, and her career, her values and morals. I didn't realize how far from my own truth I really was though. I couldn't have her life. I couldn't have her values or morals because I refused to stand for anything. I had given up early in life. I had been so lost with no guidance.
That was then, though. This is now. Now, i'm learning those boundaries. I still don't know who I am, I still don't know truly what I stand for, except for some core morals and beliefs. I still don't fully know where my boundaries lie and what kind of person I truly am on the inside. Everyday is a fight, every day is a crashing of disillusionment and walls i've put up for fear of shining. I have no one to blame for that except myself, but I will say this: If humanity were kinder to one another, more understanding, less judgmental and envious of others, and fought for themselves to be real and unique and creative, and helped others to shine, we wouldn't have this scenario so often. It would be far and few between that people felt the way I feel.
The D.I.D doesn't help with this, I have large chunks of my childhood missing, I only remember major events which happened later in my childhood. I don't know what kind of child I was, I don't know what kind of things I liked to do. All I know is its a big black vortex, it's always there, swirling and pulling me into the depths of blackness I never want to return to, but I don't know why or what lies on the opposite side of that vortex. I have repressed memories from so long ago, up until a few years ago even, that i'm still trying to piece together. I become someone i'm not all the time and I don't know the real me to this day, but like I said, I am fighting and this is my path.
One thing I know is i'm a very sentient being. I feel the pain of others, which has caused a bit of the anxiety I feel every day. I take on other's emotions and their negative energies but I can not transmute this energy and give it back. It stores itself in to my center like a cancer, eating away at my thoughts, causing my self destruction. But now that I actually know this, and can be aware of it, I can change it which I have. There are times I forget to protect myself and then I take a while to recover, but i'm learning more and more and growing stronger each day. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks and agoraphobia so badly that sometimes I don't leave my house for weeks, even months at a time unless there is a comfort person with me. Someone who I feel can protect me if something goes awry. In many ways i'm still that little lost girl within myself, needing comfort and care. which i've recently learned no one can provide, except the adult part of me. I can tend to my own wounds and celebrate motherhood though i'm not physically able to have children, spiritually, there is a little girl in my care wanting to be freed and waiting to be mothered. That little girl will always be there with me.
She is an alternate personality. I am not able to stop when she comes out but I am co-conscious of her, and therefore able to control some of what goes on around me, but she for the most part has the say when she is looking at the world through our eyes.
But again, I digress. So, veganism, I have finally learnt is a part of me. It started about a year ago when I found out that my great grandfather Wesley Rookstool was a vegetarian. It was due to the pain he too felt from having to kill chickens with his own hands as a teenage boy. He felt so horrid that it traumatized him so much he couldn't eat meat anymore. I remember my father saying one time about my grandfather, "If I were half the man he was, or had even an ounce of his personality, i'd be the person who I want to be. Your grandfather is a great man." I knew this as well with every ounce of my being. He was an amazingly compassionate individual who until he could no longer be independent in his old age lived in the moment, and taught others to do so as well. he was also a simple man, who lived in a simple house, in a simple place and yearned for simple pleasures of everyday life.
When I found out he was vegetarian it made me want to do it all over again. It made me want to learn a life lesson, buckle down and do what I felt was right for ME. but it still took a year, and a long line of small life lessons to get me to the point of actually trying again. Still I waited and delayed. I procrastinated in fear of that same familiar feeling of fear bubbling up within me.
Finally one day, I had a dream that I went vegan and the next day I woke up, someone had texted me about veganism, and I logged onto my Facebook account and again I saw three or four random posts about veganism. This is not a daily happenstance for me, and I am one who always looks for signs, symbols, and guidance. I did a tarot reading (I love divinations and often get answers I seek through the cards or meditation.) and the card I got was very positive. It indicated there would be a new awareness coming my way, a positive thrust forward, healing, and self discovery. I couldn't turn away from this.
I thought about it for about a week straight and was actually waiting, and delaying for fear of failure again until my friend Katie and I talked about it. She told me how amazing I am, that I just needed the confidence to do it and needed the support I never had, which she became for me. I did it for the animals, I did it for my spirituality, and I did it for myself, health and all, but I started. I surprisingly had support from my husband. I said to him, "Maybe you could eat what you want at work then come home and eat like me?" He agreed but went the extra mile and went vegan altogether with me.
Katie also told me that I would mess up sometimes, and not to just give up and feel like I had to start over, but to keep moving. I would have relapses and screw up, and i shouldn't judge myself. When she gave me that advice it really did shift my consciousness a little, giving me a new perspective and new confidence. She truly is an inspiration to me. She truly is the support I needed.
Now, I look forward to the tasty vegan treats i'll be eating for the rest of my life, the guilt free lifestyle, the health and spirituality that comes with this new found change of mine, but most of all, i'm surprised that I had as much support as I do, that it's actually quite easy for me. I will not back down. I will not give in. I stand for the animals who do not have a voice and for the spirit inside of me calling to be set free as well as that little girl within. I am vegan, Hear me roar!
When I was fifteen, a lot of things happened to me. I started to see the world in a different way. I suppose you could say I gained minimal consciousness for the humanity in all things...minimal, Meaning: I was a christian at the time, but I didn't really take it seriously. Didn't even realize I was a half- ball of crazy...
I learnt about myself, and how lost I was, but I digress...I wanted to be vegetarian in the sixth grade and I started being this way for about a week. Things went well, then I went to school one day and got fries for lunch. All of the friends who had sat at my table kept making fun of me, calling me a poser vegetarian, saying I wasn't really succeeding at the whole vegetarian thing, because my fries were fried in oil which contained fat from animals. I was highly discouraged after a couple of days of this, and not eating. I went home and even there I got lashings about being a vegetarian. "You have to eat meat to survive, and i'm not switching to rabbit food to make you happy." Ah yes, my father as much of a support as he was, and a good father he was, loved his meat and was worried maybe that i'd try to push this on him.
Everywhere I went, every corner I turned to, it seemed there was not only people outside of my mind telling me I couldn't do it and to give up, but inside my head, a voice, this little nagging woman who was always so cynical and judgmental, more then anyone could ever be to me, put me down time after time. So, I gave up. However, my views and opinions didn't change. In fact, every time I looked at meat, I could see the animals and the Gods above judging as well. "I'm a terrible person for eating this filth," the voice in my head would say. I didn't know how to make it go away but I was afraid to even try anymore. So, I judged myself day after day, for years...
This was the start of my pain on not knowing myself and letting go of any and all boundaries I should have had. I guess I was so sensitive I let others begin to dictate my mind. I became the victim and this went on for so long that I started to forget who I really was. I had no idea what kind of person I was, what I was really into, things that I disliked...I just went on, a soulless empty shell, trying to hold on to the cracked pieces just outside and around me.
I also met a woman who was vegan, which at that point I actually hadn't ever heard of. She was smart, and beautiful, thin and fit. She had this air of grace about her. Like a lioness she stood regal and strong. She was amazing and she was who I wanted to be. She was compassionate and understanding, hard working and well balanced. She truly was the person I wanted to be. I was jealous but in a non-violent or angry way. I secretly wished that I could just have her life, and her career, her values and morals. I didn't realize how far from my own truth I really was though. I couldn't have her life. I couldn't have her values or morals because I refused to stand for anything. I had given up early in life. I had been so lost with no guidance.
That was then, though. This is now. Now, i'm learning those boundaries. I still don't know who I am, I still don't know truly what I stand for, except for some core morals and beliefs. I still don't fully know where my boundaries lie and what kind of person I truly am on the inside. Everyday is a fight, every day is a crashing of disillusionment and walls i've put up for fear of shining. I have no one to blame for that except myself, but I will say this: If humanity were kinder to one another, more understanding, less judgmental and envious of others, and fought for themselves to be real and unique and creative, and helped others to shine, we wouldn't have this scenario so often. It would be far and few between that people felt the way I feel.
The D.I.D doesn't help with this, I have large chunks of my childhood missing, I only remember major events which happened later in my childhood. I don't know what kind of child I was, I don't know what kind of things I liked to do. All I know is its a big black vortex, it's always there, swirling and pulling me into the depths of blackness I never want to return to, but I don't know why or what lies on the opposite side of that vortex. I have repressed memories from so long ago, up until a few years ago even, that i'm still trying to piece together. I become someone i'm not all the time and I don't know the real me to this day, but like I said, I am fighting and this is my path.
One thing I know is i'm a very sentient being. I feel the pain of others, which has caused a bit of the anxiety I feel every day. I take on other's emotions and their negative energies but I can not transmute this energy and give it back. It stores itself in to my center like a cancer, eating away at my thoughts, causing my self destruction. But now that I actually know this, and can be aware of it, I can change it which I have. There are times I forget to protect myself and then I take a while to recover, but i'm learning more and more and growing stronger each day. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks and agoraphobia so badly that sometimes I don't leave my house for weeks, even months at a time unless there is a comfort person with me. Someone who I feel can protect me if something goes awry. In many ways i'm still that little lost girl within myself, needing comfort and care. which i've recently learned no one can provide, except the adult part of me. I can tend to my own wounds and celebrate motherhood though i'm not physically able to have children, spiritually, there is a little girl in my care wanting to be freed and waiting to be mothered. That little girl will always be there with me.
She is an alternate personality. I am not able to stop when she comes out but I am co-conscious of her, and therefore able to control some of what goes on around me, but she for the most part has the say when she is looking at the world through our eyes.
But again, I digress. So, veganism, I have finally learnt is a part of me. It started about a year ago when I found out that my great grandfather Wesley Rookstool was a vegetarian. It was due to the pain he too felt from having to kill chickens with his own hands as a teenage boy. He felt so horrid that it traumatized him so much he couldn't eat meat anymore. I remember my father saying one time about my grandfather, "If I were half the man he was, or had even an ounce of his personality, i'd be the person who I want to be. Your grandfather is a great man." I knew this as well with every ounce of my being. He was an amazingly compassionate individual who until he could no longer be independent in his old age lived in the moment, and taught others to do so as well. he was also a simple man, who lived in a simple house, in a simple place and yearned for simple pleasures of everyday life.
When I found out he was vegetarian it made me want to do it all over again. It made me want to learn a life lesson, buckle down and do what I felt was right for ME. but it still took a year, and a long line of small life lessons to get me to the point of actually trying again. Still I waited and delayed. I procrastinated in fear of that same familiar feeling of fear bubbling up within me.
Finally one day, I had a dream that I went vegan and the next day I woke up, someone had texted me about veganism, and I logged onto my Facebook account and again I saw three or four random posts about veganism. This is not a daily happenstance for me, and I am one who always looks for signs, symbols, and guidance. I did a tarot reading (I love divinations and often get answers I seek through the cards or meditation.) and the card I got was very positive. It indicated there would be a new awareness coming my way, a positive thrust forward, healing, and self discovery. I couldn't turn away from this.
I thought about it for about a week straight and was actually waiting, and delaying for fear of failure again until my friend Katie and I talked about it. She told me how amazing I am, that I just needed the confidence to do it and needed the support I never had, which she became for me. I did it for the animals, I did it for my spirituality, and I did it for myself, health and all, but I started. I surprisingly had support from my husband. I said to him, "Maybe you could eat what you want at work then come home and eat like me?" He agreed but went the extra mile and went vegan altogether with me.
Katie also told me that I would mess up sometimes, and not to just give up and feel like I had to start over, but to keep moving. I would have relapses and screw up, and i shouldn't judge myself. When she gave me that advice it really did shift my consciousness a little, giving me a new perspective and new confidence. She truly is an inspiration to me. She truly is the support I needed.
Now, I look forward to the tasty vegan treats i'll be eating for the rest of my life, the guilt free lifestyle, the health and spirituality that comes with this new found change of mine, but most of all, i'm surprised that I had as much support as I do, that it's actually quite easy for me. I will not back down. I will not give in. I stand for the animals who do not have a voice and for the spirit inside of me calling to be set free as well as that little girl within. I am vegan, Hear me roar!
Today, Today, Today...
Today, Today, Today...
A good day to start living in the moment, but also a good day to plan for your future. I am too busy living in the past, and today that will change. Today. I guess it's best to start from the beginning, huh? To show from the very beginning, my journey and how I got to the path i'm on. Let me start by saying, this path isn't paved. It is rocky. It is winding, and forked, in a lot of different places. Once thing I may say about my path though, it is beautiful, scenic if you will, where no short cuts are available. It is an every growing consciousness within me, and it is unique.
My path is an emotional one. A path where tis dimly lit, with prisms of the spirit dancing all around me, showing me new shapes and colors the world has never seen before. This is not exactly in a physical sense true, but spiritually, mentally, emotionally and metaphorically I can say it most certainly is. I was a young girl, taken from my mother and later revealed she had given my brother and I up into the system, as a couple of foster kids. Luckily my brother found a home (may not have been the best of homes) but he was able to stay there until adulthood essentially. Myself, on the other hand. Not so lucky. I had a lot of anger and sorrow buried deep within because of the hand I was dealt. I learned though not to take it so seriously, as if Some guy in the sky had ordered a dark and gloomy raincloud to follow me throughout my days. My teenage hood was definitely severed before my very eyes by my depression and horrid life lessons that I had failed to learn.
So, foster homes. My father was next. He picked me up out of the gutter i'd been thrown in and kept me for his own. He tried to get my brother as well out of the system but was unable due to not being the biological father. My brother however, spent all his free time at my father and I's house.
Things went well for a few years. Until the depression got to be too much. I had started lying for my mother who had taken off and come back finally and lied, and lied...all the while to my father and I, being young and unfortunately too impressionable to do the right thing, began lying for her, covering for her, beyond the former abuse (all emotional as far as I can remember; but i'll get to that later) and manipulation. But, my father being the compassionate brown bear spirit he was, forgave and forgot and fought harder to teach me good morals and values. I will forever be grateful of him for that.
He died however, in 2001, and left me feeling crushed and all alone at the age of 13. I was angry for a very long time. It took me about twelve years to comprehend how to even begin the mourning process, every day even gloomier and more hopeless then the last. I went on to live with my grandmother who tried her hardest to care for me, but the anxiety and problems in her life surmounted to high depths and left her unable to tend to my needs. She never gave up and found me the best home she could in foster care. The people i went to live with were guardians of my older sister (oldest of us three siblings.)
I survived there, alone, and miserable, isolated and emotionally rebellious for a couple of years, until the age of 15 when I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder; chronic and severe depression, and Dissociative Identity Disorder. These did not bode well with my foster parents who decided to give up on my care (upon my request--it was either boys town or a new foster family.)
My fathers parents took me in until I turned 18 and when "thought" I was ready to move out into the world on my own, they let me spread my wings and fly gracefully. I was still miserable and became a misery, and misery loves company. So, I got in with the wrong crowd, and ran from my hometown with a convicted felon, came back and moved to New York with my brother and his wife and three children.
Series of jobs, depression, giving up, and meeting the man of my dreams, getting married and years later, here I am. I've already been through a series of life lessons as well as personal evolution and though my life seems chaotic and miserable, i'm thankful for every bit of it. I started out as a christian and realized that not every path is meant for every person so I very slowly became a pagan and learned the ways of the old religion. I learned tolerance for all things unique and all paths alike as long as they are peaceful and I learned to respect all life.
I have met some amazing people along the way that have taught me i'm worth every ounce of effort I am starting to show to care for myself. Its been a long process and a very strange one.
So, let me tell you about myself. I am a ritualistic Buddhist and Reiki 1 healer. I perform rituals and on occasion put my intentions into the universe through ritual. Some might call these spells but I only do healing and divinations basically. I do belong to an eclectic pagan coven, and i do honor gods and goddesses. I know as a buddhist I do not actually believe in gods and goddesses, but I believe in the energy of them, aspects of the myths and energy surrounding different pantheons and individual god/esses and when i'm suffering through a situation and need help I call these features, traits, characteristics, aspects to myself to help cope or come to certain understandings. Most importantly I am on a very long journey of self discovery and releasing my past.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)