Theres a time and place to die and its now

     Wow, so whew. What a crazy low couple of weeks. It seems like i'm starting to bounce back. I know there will be times where i regress, but even in my lowest of low, thats what sets me apart from others. I keep going. I know i'm feeling low and i can't help but to feel all the pain starting to crumble around me. However, I know it's always temporary. I may feel intensely but i can always spot even the dimmest lights at the end of the tunnel. I know how badly the world needs healing. I know that I want to be a healer, no need to be a healer, even if only in a spiritual or emotional way. I have so much to offer others, as does EVERYONE in this world. We are all on the same planet, can't we just agree to disagree and all get along? No...this seems impossible, however it isn't.
      The world is full of hatred and jealousy, angry, spiteful, but it doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't have to be a lonely, and cruel world. All we need is one or two people in our corner, all we need is to be in someone else's corner, or pick our selves up when nobody can. Perception is reality, and that can mean a huge difference in everyone's life to just realize that.
     I've been holding myself back for so long that i've forgotten who i am and that i am allowed to shine. I'm going to start cutting away everything in my life that doesn't allow for me to be myself or is suppressing my spirit. i'm ready to release everything, to litterally transform in every single way of my life. In mind, body, spirit, and emotion. Let's DO THIS!

I feel like i could write a book about my life. Would anyone read it? Maybe. who knows. I guess i don't care. I think i'm learning not to care about what other people think. Its coming as a hard lesson but i am getting there. I am learning to release anger as well as my past. I hold on to people as "friends" whom i don't even talk to or associate with anymore. Its ridiculous. So, today i just decided to clean up my Facebook for a bit of a preparation for actually doing that in the real world. Good news is, i actually let go of some people, and now i've patched things up with someone else.

Life is funny. The brain and heart are funny too. Not literally the heart, but our souls. The things that make us tick, the way we feel emotions. I released some things, and i felt sad about it, though i shouldn't and now suddenly i feel overwhelmed with freedom from those things. Whats next? I feel there are big changes in store for me.

I Love The Way

I love your beats, man, Yeah i love your style,

 I love your rhythms, and i love your smile, 

 I love your voice, the way the music flows,

 I love every part of you, aint that how love goes? 

 I love your soul, i love the beat of your heart, 

 I love how when i'm with you, I never fall apart. 

 I love how your there when no one else is around 

I love you you make me laugh whenever i'm down 

 I love your words of wisdom I love your good vibes

 I love how much I love you In words it's hard to describe 

 I love your inspiration the creative things you do 

I even love the way You never seem to have a clue 

 Most most of all, I love being your friend 

May we be best friends, until the bitter end. 

 "I love The Way" © Lee Lee Staaben May 18, 2014 -

Darkest part of me

The depths of my pain cannot be measured,
The road is rocky, it leaves my soul weathered,
The winter chills my bones, and chills my heart,
You hurt me again, and wonder why i'm falling apart,
The music within has finally stopped playing,
but the voice within will continue whaling,
I know i'm a failure, no need to remind me,
my heads barely above water, i'm drowning as we speak,
I think my strength has come to its end,
I don' think my mind will ever start to mend,
You said i'm toxic, when all I ever did was try,
But you put me in the chair, you sentenced me to fry,
Im done, it's over, no need to look back,
you caused my spirit to die, it withered, turned to coal black...
You were the darkest part of me, my one kryptonight, 
but finally i've let go, I have finally seen the light,
The light that shines within, doesn't include you,
Because i'm tired of the lies you spew,
Do you listen to yourself or are you ignorant as the rest?
Your a grim person, toxic, at best.
You think i'm too stupid to know when to walk away
but I can tell you confidently, today is the day,
The day I choose to leave, the day I choose me

Weight Loss Journey begins Now -- March 13, 2013

     So, today I thought i would write down that i have been feeling worn out, sickly...which could be due to the low energy, but...I also attribute to my weight being a factor as well. As of right now. I currently weight 315.4 lbs. I feel awful about myself. I don't know how i ever let myself get this big. I need to get this under control before i end up weighing so much i can't move. As of right now, i'm still fairly in shape technically because i have no health problems and i can move around and walk just like anyone else.
This is my current weight picture. Sort of a before.-------------->

     My left knee hurts sometimes but i know that with the proper diet and exercise i can lose the weight and keep it off. I want to feel better. It's not about looking good because so many people have put me down i learned to rise above what they have called me and said. I do suffer from agoraphobia but i don't generally look in the mirror and feel bad about what i see, i just worry about my health and realize my family and friends are probably worried too. 

     I saw a documentary on the half ton mom, her name was Renee Williams. Let me start this off by saying she was a lovely woman, her face was beautiful and her faith was strong. She wanted to lose the weight for her children so she agreed to undergo a gastric bypass. This for one, should never have been agreed to by any surgeons. About ten days after she had the surgery, she experienced shortness of breath, chest pain and finally went into cardiac arrest and died. 

     She mentioned she had hope and knew this would be good for her. I find surgeries to be the worst way to get weight loss results. Its dangerous and quite a few people i know  have had complications to weight loss surgery. I think if your too heavy to move, start off changing your calorie intake, diet, drink more water and move even if just a little. This should help you start to feel a little more mobile after about a week and you may even see slight weight loss.  But unless you absolutely need the surgery or if you are too high risk for the weight loss surgery, something else must be done. 

     Which is why, I have decided to lose weight. I don't want to end up that big. I couldn't bare to see myself get that big or see any pity glances from someone i know such as friends or family. They would all love me just as i am, well most of them. I knew someone who was overweight and she got even more overweight after she got married and had a child. Yes, it was partially her fault. Her hormones were out of balance though which also contributed. People were nice to her face but when she wasn't around the snide comments and jokes at her expense would fly. 

       I am proud to say she has lost quite a bit of the weight, at least 100 lbs.  so far and she is still going. She is an inspiring person, who tries to make healthy choices and has only ever been nice to people. We have also had our differences but the amount of inspiration she puts in my life when i see her, is staggering. She's an amazing person with a beautiful soul and i'm very proud of her. 

     My weight is 315.4. My goal weight overall is 133 lbs, which means i have to lose 186 pounds to reach it. My short term goal is 20 lbs, and my long term goal is 50 pounds. So...here's to a new start, with the new moon, a new year, and a new, more positive attitude. I will update on my pictures as i reach my goals. Wish me luck....

Oh and this blogpost is dedicated to Renee Williams, Cat Melhuish, and all those people out there who are struggling with self image, or weight induced health problems. This is for you. My journey is to be an inspiration (hopefully) for you. This is for all the girls who thought they weren't good enough because of body fat they hid themselves in. All the boys out there who were too afraid to come forward and say I need help, this is for you. And most of all, this is for myself, my husband, and my future. This is for my friends. 

     

Yet life goes on, as always.

     Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like things are going alright, then suddenly you get really depressed, then you completely detach from all of your emotions? I don't know what to do today, i can't move on with my day, i'm stuck in a rut where all my brain wants to do is run around in circles and won't move past a thought or an action, and im dizzied by it (so to speak).
     I have been dissociated for the last three days, and i can't seem to come out of it. I'm writing as if i was writing from the brain of a character, but i can't actually feel what i'm writing. i even looked at depressing subjects and pictures to try and feel, something, anything and i can't.
     It's funny. Life. It really is. not in a haha kind of way, more like in an ironic kind of way. I was doing so well, and i finally actually take my healing to the next level and keep my boundary in check, the ONE boundary i actually thought i had, and it gets dumped on. I've got too many boundaries. One boundary is too much for me to have. I guess i'm not allowed to have boundaries. Fuck boundaries. It's always easier when i keep my mouth shut, and pretend i don't feel stepped on. I'm a good actress anyways, i have my mother to thank for that.
     Today i really don't feel like moving forward anyways. I guess...I'm done trying to actually get out and about and to meet and greet the world. Today, i've decided, i'm sick of having friends. Having friends means confrontation, or dissapointment. Friends means having to actually try. Why try? Why PRETEND i'm someone they want me to be? I never will be anyways, whats the point?
     I've been speaking openly, telling others what to expect, asking them to try and understand or to let me know up front, so theres no pain. Do they drop me, knowing full well they will dissapoint? Nope, instead they make the situation worse then ever imagined. They lash out, treat me like i'm nothing. Bring up old mistakes from the past. Like i really need to be reminded of all the reasons i'm nothing. Like i really don't tell myself everyday, "You should just kill yourself, your never going to amount to anything." "You look really stupid, and everyone can see the real you, even though you can't." "They'll know your a terrible person, it's not that hard to see."  Whatever. I'm done. Tired of trying. Tired of false hope. tired of pretending i'm ok. It ends now.

You know what really grinds my gears?

     "How are we going to stop these injustices?" This is a question I ask myself on a day to day basis. I can't quite figure out exactly why i'm getting so pent up and upset at society and how it chooses to live. We as a whole are connected, and call me crazy, but I have noticed quite an awakening in the last few years taking place. People are starting to realize this, some aren't, but now seems as good a time as any to stop with the violence, ignorance, bigotry and interolance that go on every day. There is so much more in the world we should be experiencing as a nation, as a planet. To see the beauty in everything and everyone, is healing, helps the loneliness, self destruction, anger, anxiety and hopelessness. We repress our anger for these injustices, and add to the negativity in the world, we look away and ignore whats going on so it's not so scary or so maddening.
     Young girls are raised to believe a lot of times that if a boy is mean to you, he likes you (thanks, Pickle, for the inspiration on this one) if he pulls your hair or calls you names, kicks you in the dirt he's just showing he has a crush, (and we all know grade school children are the most impressionable.) This is WRONG PEOPLE! Then, these girls though unawares, so subtly start to believe they are worthless, that men are entitled to women, and women are meant to be second hand citizens. And, we wonder why girls nowadays parade their bodies, and degrade themselves. Yes, somethings can be empowering but sometimes too much, is just too much.
     Some men think that women should be big breasted, tiny hipped, and willing to put out to be even worthy of their time.  It doesn't matter how they look, it can't be helped (aside from plastic surgery) which even then, shouldn't be helped. You were born the way you are and unless it is interfering with your functioning or quality of life physically, we should all learn to love one another exactly as the other is. We are raised to believe something so extraordinarily ignorant that and refuse to change our opinions on things because we are too set in our ways.
     But if we all just opened our minds a little, looked at the duality in all things, good or bad, maybe, just maybe we as a civilization have chance. I see things getting worse and worse everyday and it scares me to think of what my children may have to face if i ever have any. Or my friends children, my nieces or nephews. We are all in this together. One love people, one love.

I made the effort at least.

So, as I said in my last blog i was suppose to leave the house today, and it probably wasn't going to happen. I am happy to report, that yes, I had anxiety, I had no motivation, I had no want to even get up out of bed this morning let alone into the shower, but I did it anyways. I got into the shower, dressed nicely (only to inspire myself) and I walked to the bus stop. We waited there, for the bus to take us to the grocery store, which I dreaded but was willing to do.
     Turns out the Coffeen Street bus is broken down so they sent the arsenal bus as well, it was about twenty to thirty minutes of unnecessary  waiting, but we waited. We ended up leaving early and going back home instead of getting on the bus, but at least I made the effort. For that I am proud. Next time I feel this way, I will try to put myself a little harder and maybe get on that bus.

I keep on, keeping on.

     It amazes me, everyday when i wake up how in pain I am. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Yet, I keep on, keeping on. I'm still in love with life, afraid to let go, afraid to leave this world behind, so I do my best to survive, no matter what may go on around me or inside of me. I get the feeling, as I should, that nobody really understands me. Its ok though, I don't expect them to. I just need to take care of this problem by myself. I am a human and I am bound to the suffering that is human nature, and at this point, ignoring the pain has become second nature to me. Almost like an instinct.
     My family tries so hard to understand. They don't realize though that any little thing they say or do to try and keep me positive, can also be a trigger, pushing me back further into the depths that are my mind. I get lost in there so easily, letting time pass so quickly its like i've been sucked through a vortex and come out on the other end, hours later. Today is one of those days. I have to say I am disappointed as well, because I actually got out yesterday. I am supposed to leave the house today, but..I don't see that happening.
     I try, I really do. But time after time, I am an utter disappointment to those around me. My family, my friends, myself. In fact a good friend wants nothing more then for me to come to her house and I can't even do that for her. I'm paralyzed, afraid of moving forward, afraid to leave my house.
     I want so much to live, to breathe the invigorating scent of the atmosphere around me, outside, in the open. I want to feel that fear and punch it in the stomach and embrace my livelihood, and to show the world who I am, but i'm not ready as much as I want to be. I know the first step to finding my soul's purpose is to examine all the things that are not meant for me in this world, but to do that I have to try new things and thats the scariest thing of all. I have to find myself, but where do I look? How do I find me? Who am I?
     These things i suppress and hide so easily, as with the fear of abandonment. I used to say i've already been abandoned so I know what its like and its not that bad. Honestly sometimes it really isn't that bad. Something that may make me a monster on the inside is my ability to let go so easily. I can forget about just about anyone and never look back in a matter of days and forget they even existed. This isn't necessarily a good thing. Its a horrible thing in fact. People see me as unemotional, aloof, uncaring, selfish...maybe I am, but I do this, put on this facade to protect myself from more pain. So I never have to see the darkness that is my life again. Yet, as of lately, even this armor is wearing thin. No more protecting myself. No more trying to be someone I'm not. I don't want to be anyone else but me, but I don't know how to be me.
     I just don't know if my soul is weakening or my mind is strengthening. It feels like a little bit of both. Its scary to wonder if i'm actually getting better or deluding myself into thinking everything is alright yet again, its happened so many times in the past already.
     I'm no longer on Xanax, so I have no method of coping. I've also dropped another vice (which I shall not mention, I do not want to trigger anyone) but its not due to trying. Its basically a forced reason to give it up. Nothing to really be proud of.  I also wonder every day if, though I have given up on her completely, and letting her decided whats going to happen next, if my mother will even acknowledge i'm alive and well. She too has the ability to drop people like a bad habit, and it's not the first time she's done it to me. I have always wanted nothing but her acceptance and love, and I felt like I may have almost had it at that time, but it was truly for selfish reasons. She says she loves me and is proud of me. Who could be proud of me? I haven't gotten anywhere, or done anything. I can barely get myself out of bed everyday.
     I feel like after all I've been put through and all i've done that maybe my mother wouldn't ignore me like every other problem in her life. I suppose the silent treatment is better then her screaming in my face and raising a fist to me as usual. I can't handle that side of it. I'm not strong enough and maybe she was right. Maybe i'm too weak to face her like that. I know I came off as harsh but I needed to get out my anger, I needed ot get out how she's made me feel and yet, my feelings are invalid, I can tell by the silence.
     Everyone else in my family was able to move on. Myself, I was able to move on slightly. But with her recovering from the transplant still, I worry about her to the point of panic attacks over and over again, all day, every day. I am scared that if I say or think the wrong thing about her, the universe will take her away. I couldn't handle that again. Not now. I'm afraid I won't be able to make peace with her and that will be my sentence; another lifetime full of regret and anger. Why do I even bother sometimes?
     My family isn't close like other families, and as much as I miss them, its for the better. I mean, we text but we don't talk on the phone. It's a good thing though because I get so nervous anyways, I don't know what to say or i'm afraid i'm letting too much of myself show for them to respect me. They've never put me down, but even little jokes can hurt. They don't know how sensitive I really am, and I don't blame them whatsoever because they don't know. they haven't lived in my mind and it's impossible to be a mind reader. So I keep it all in, for hopes that one day if I start to get better, I can put it all behind me and start over new. Why should I take my misperceptions out on them?
     I don't know my purpose anymore. I thought I had one but maybe not everyone does. I feel like everyone around me is moving forward with their life, and if I just stayed inside, without contact, would anyone really wonder where I was, or why I just disappeared? Even as I write this I know how absurd that really sounds, that it's nobodies job to look out for me, but my own, and that people would notice but I just can't get the notion out of my head.
     After all, my own husband has nearly given up on us. Yep. He wouldn't even let me have the freedom to go take care of my dying mother, he didn't wait for even five months before making a decision. Instead, he just threw out all my belongings, bought a bus ticket to some obscure city in Washington State and was never even going to look back. He was going to just disappear. I tricked myself into thinking it was because he too has a fear of abandonment so it was leave or be left, but really I was just an afterthought in his mind, one that he didn't really think of. I was like every other person in the world to him. Not the love of his life, or his partner in crime. I was just another person.
     Thank god for my ability to subtly intimidate. I was calm with him but I got my point across that he couldn't just leave. That he would have no home, no job, no help or company...that didn't even stop it, what stopped him was me telling him that if he left my dog in New York with other people that it would be the end of him. The end of us. I'm sure he was more concerned with his own well being. I also gave up my healing process to ensure he didn't leave and I came back to Watertown, where every day is just another day in gloom and doom.
     I know this isn't how it really is. Its not all gloom and doom but at least I was getting the help I needed. I may have even ended up on medications that could have possibly helped me for free, but I gave up the opportunity. But every day I wonder why I came back. I wonder if it was a good idea. I feel more lost then ever, more alone then ever and more regret tears an even bigger hole in my chest then before. But still, I keep on, keeping on.