It amazes me, everyday when i wake up how in pain I am. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Yet, I keep on, keeping on. I'm still in love with life, afraid to let go, afraid to leave this world behind, so I do my best to survive, no matter what may go on around me or inside of me. I get the feeling, as I should, that nobody really understands me. Its ok though, I don't expect them to. I just need to take care of this problem by myself. I am a human and I am bound to the suffering that is human nature, and at this point, ignoring the pain has become second nature to me. Almost like an instinct.
My family tries so hard to understand. They don't realize though that any little thing they say or do to try and keep me positive, can also be a trigger, pushing me back further into the depths that are my mind. I get lost in there so easily, letting time pass so quickly its like i've been sucked through a vortex and come out on the other end, hours later. Today is one of those days. I have to say I am disappointed as well, because I actually got out yesterday. I am supposed to leave the house today, but..I don't see that happening.
I try, I really do. But time after time, I am an utter disappointment to those around me. My family, my friends, myself. In fact a good friend wants nothing more then for me to come to her house and I can't even do that for her. I'm paralyzed, afraid of moving forward, afraid to leave my house.
I want so much to live, to breathe the invigorating scent of the atmosphere around me, outside, in the open. I want to feel that fear and punch it in the stomach and embrace my livelihood, and to show the world who I am, but i'm not ready as much as I want to be. I know the first step to finding my soul's purpose is to examine all the things that are not meant for me in this world, but to do that I have to try new things and thats the scariest thing of all. I have to find myself, but where do I look? How do I find me? Who am I?
These things i suppress and hide so easily, as with the fear of abandonment. I used to say i've already been abandoned so I know what its like and its not that bad. Honestly sometimes it really isn't that bad. Something that may make me a monster on the inside is my ability to let go so easily. I can forget about just about anyone and never look back in a matter of days and forget they even existed. This isn't necessarily a good thing. Its a horrible thing in fact. People see me as unemotional, aloof, uncaring, selfish...maybe I am, but I do this, put on this facade to protect myself from more pain. So I never have to see the darkness that is my life again. Yet, as of lately, even this armor is wearing thin. No more protecting myself. No more trying to be someone I'm not. I don't want to be anyone else but me, but I don't know how to be me.
I just don't know if my soul is weakening or my mind is strengthening. It feels like a little bit of both. Its scary to wonder if i'm actually getting better or deluding myself into thinking everything is alright yet again, its happened so many times in the past already.
I'm no longer on Xanax, so I have no method of coping. I've also dropped another vice (which I shall not mention, I do not want to trigger anyone) but its not due to trying. Its basically a forced reason to give it up. Nothing to really be proud of. I also wonder every day if, though I have given up on her completely, and letting her decided whats going to happen next, if my mother will even acknowledge i'm alive and well. She too has the ability to drop people like a bad habit, and it's not the first time she's done it to me. I have always wanted nothing but her acceptance and love, and I felt like I may have almost had it at that time, but it was truly for selfish reasons. She says she loves me and is proud of me. Who could be proud of me? I haven't gotten anywhere, or done anything. I can barely get myself out of bed everyday.
I feel like after all I've been put through and all i've done that maybe my mother wouldn't ignore me like every other problem in her life. I suppose the silent treatment is better then her screaming in my face and raising a fist to me as usual. I can't handle that side of it. I'm not strong enough and maybe she was right. Maybe i'm too weak to face her like that. I know I came off as harsh but I needed to get out my anger, I needed ot get out how she's made me feel and yet, my feelings are invalid, I can tell by the silence.
Everyone else in my family was able to move on. Myself, I was able to move on slightly. But with her recovering from the transplant still, I worry about her to the point of panic attacks over and over again, all day, every day. I am scared that if I say or think the wrong thing about her, the universe will take her away. I couldn't handle that again. Not now. I'm afraid I won't be able to make peace with her and that will be my sentence; another lifetime full of regret and anger. Why do I even bother sometimes?
My family isn't close like other families, and as much as I miss them, its for the better. I mean, we text but we don't talk on the phone. It's a good thing though because I get so nervous anyways, I don't know what to say or i'm afraid i'm letting too much of myself show for them to respect me. They've never put me down, but even little jokes can hurt. They don't know how sensitive I really am, and I don't blame them whatsoever because they don't know. they haven't lived in my mind and it's impossible to be a mind reader. So I keep it all in, for hopes that one day if I start to get better, I can put it all behind me and start over new. Why should I take my misperceptions out on them?
I don't know my purpose anymore. I thought I had one but maybe not everyone does. I feel like everyone around me is moving forward with their life, and if I just stayed inside, without contact, would anyone really wonder where I was, or why I just disappeared? Even as I write this I know how absurd that really sounds, that it's nobodies job to look out for me, but my own, and that people would notice but I just can't get the notion out of my head.
After all, my own husband has nearly given up on us. Yep. He wouldn't even let me have the freedom to go take care of my dying mother, he didn't wait for even five months before making a decision. Instead, he just threw out all my belongings, bought a bus ticket to some obscure city in Washington State and was never even going to look back. He was going to just disappear. I tricked myself into thinking it was because he too has a fear of abandonment so it was leave or be left, but really I was just an afterthought in his mind, one that he didn't really think of. I was like every other person in the world to him. Not the love of his life, or his partner in crime. I was just another person.
Thank god for my ability to subtly intimidate. I was calm with him but I got my point across that he couldn't just leave. That he would have no home, no job, no help or company...that didn't even stop it, what stopped him was me telling him that if he left my dog in New York with other people that it would be the end of him. The end of us. I'm sure he was more concerned with his own well being. I also gave up my healing process to ensure he didn't leave and I came back to Watertown, where every day is just another day in gloom and doom.
I know this isn't how it really is. Its not all gloom and doom but at least I was getting the help I needed. I may have even ended up on medications that could have possibly helped me for free, but I gave up the opportunity. But every day I wonder why I came back. I wonder if it was a good idea. I feel more lost then ever, more alone then ever and more regret tears an even bigger hole in my chest then before. But still, I keep on, keeping on.
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