A good day to start living in the moment, but also a good day to plan for your future. I am too busy living in the past, and today that will change. Today. I guess it's best to start from the beginning, huh? To show from the very beginning, my journey and how I got to the path i'm on. Let me start by saying, this path isn't paved. It is rocky. It is winding, and forked, in a lot of different places. Once thing I may say about my path though, it is beautiful, scenic if you will, where no short cuts are available. It is an every growing consciousness within me, and it is unique.
My path is an emotional one. A path where tis dimly lit, with prisms of the spirit dancing all around me, showing me new shapes and colors the world has never seen before. This is not exactly in a physical sense true, but spiritually, mentally, emotionally and metaphorically I can say it most certainly is. I was a young girl, taken from my mother and later revealed she had given my brother and I up into the system, as a couple of foster kids. Luckily my brother found a home (may not have been the best of homes) but he was able to stay there until adulthood essentially. Myself, on the other hand. Not so lucky. I had a lot of anger and sorrow buried deep within because of the hand I was dealt. I learned though not to take it so seriously, as if Some guy in the sky had ordered a dark and gloomy raincloud to follow me throughout my days. My teenage hood was definitely severed before my very eyes by my depression and horrid life lessons that I had failed to learn.
So, foster homes. My father was next. He picked me up out of the gutter i'd been thrown in and kept me for his own. He tried to get my brother as well out of the system but was unable due to not being the biological father. My brother however, spent all his free time at my father and I's house.
Things went well for a few years. Until the depression got to be too much. I had started lying for my mother who had taken off and come back finally and lied, and lied...all the while to my father and I, being young and unfortunately too impressionable to do the right thing, began lying for her, covering for her, beyond the former abuse (all emotional as far as I can remember; but i'll get to that later) and manipulation. But, my father being the compassionate brown bear spirit he was, forgave and forgot and fought harder to teach me good morals and values. I will forever be grateful of him for that.
He died however, in 2001, and left me feeling crushed and all alone at the age of 13. I was angry for a very long time. It took me about twelve years to comprehend how to even begin the mourning process, every day even gloomier and more hopeless then the last. I went on to live with my grandmother who tried her hardest to care for me, but the anxiety and problems in her life surmounted to high depths and left her unable to tend to my needs. She never gave up and found me the best home she could in foster care. The people i went to live with were guardians of my older sister (oldest of us three siblings.)
I survived there, alone, and miserable, isolated and emotionally rebellious for a couple of years, until the age of 15 when I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder; chronic and severe depression, and Dissociative Identity Disorder. These did not bode well with my foster parents who decided to give up on my care (upon my request--it was either boys town or a new foster family.)
My fathers parents took me in until I turned 18 and when "thought" I was ready to move out into the world on my own, they let me spread my wings and fly gracefully. I was still miserable and became a misery, and misery loves company. So, I got in with the wrong crowd, and ran from my hometown with a convicted felon, came back and moved to New York with my brother and his wife and three children.
Series of jobs, depression, giving up, and meeting the man of my dreams, getting married and years later, here I am. I've already been through a series of life lessons as well as personal evolution and though my life seems chaotic and miserable, i'm thankful for every bit of it. I started out as a christian and realized that not every path is meant for every person so I very slowly became a pagan and learned the ways of the old religion. I learned tolerance for all things unique and all paths alike as long as they are peaceful and I learned to respect all life.
I have met some amazing people along the way that have taught me i'm worth every ounce of effort I am starting to show to care for myself. Its been a long process and a very strange one.
So, let me tell you about myself. I am a ritualistic Buddhist and Reiki 1 healer. I perform rituals and on occasion put my intentions into the universe through ritual. Some might call these spells but I only do healing and divinations basically. I do belong to an eclectic pagan coven, and i do honor gods and goddesses. I know as a buddhist I do not actually believe in gods and goddesses, but I believe in the energy of them, aspects of the myths and energy surrounding different pantheons and individual god/esses and when i'm suffering through a situation and need help I call these features, traits, characteristics, aspects to myself to help cope or come to certain understandings. Most importantly I am on a very long journey of self discovery and releasing my past.
I can't remember much before age 12. I think it's mostly because I blocked everything and I really do not want to remember....We went through some trial Kaylee but I do believe we did pretty well in the long run even if we trip along the way.
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