Yet life goes on, as always.

     Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like things are going alright, then suddenly you get really depressed, then you completely detach from all of your emotions? I don't know what to do today, i can't move on with my day, i'm stuck in a rut where all my brain wants to do is run around in circles and won't move past a thought or an action, and im dizzied by it (so to speak).
     I have been dissociated for the last three days, and i can't seem to come out of it. I'm writing as if i was writing from the brain of a character, but i can't actually feel what i'm writing. i even looked at depressing subjects and pictures to try and feel, something, anything and i can't.
     It's funny. Life. It really is. not in a haha kind of way, more like in an ironic kind of way. I was doing so well, and i finally actually take my healing to the next level and keep my boundary in check, the ONE boundary i actually thought i had, and it gets dumped on. I've got too many boundaries. One boundary is too much for me to have. I guess i'm not allowed to have boundaries. Fuck boundaries. It's always easier when i keep my mouth shut, and pretend i don't feel stepped on. I'm a good actress anyways, i have my mother to thank for that.
     Today i really don't feel like moving forward anyways. I guess...I'm done trying to actually get out and about and to meet and greet the world. Today, i've decided, i'm sick of having friends. Having friends means confrontation, or dissapointment. Friends means having to actually try. Why try? Why PRETEND i'm someone they want me to be? I never will be anyways, whats the point?
     I've been speaking openly, telling others what to expect, asking them to try and understand or to let me know up front, so theres no pain. Do they drop me, knowing full well they will dissapoint? Nope, instead they make the situation worse then ever imagined. They lash out, treat me like i'm nothing. Bring up old mistakes from the past. Like i really need to be reminded of all the reasons i'm nothing. Like i really don't tell myself everyday, "You should just kill yourself, your never going to amount to anything." "You look really stupid, and everyone can see the real you, even though you can't." "They'll know your a terrible person, it's not that hard to see."  Whatever. I'm done. Tired of trying. Tired of false hope. tired of pretending i'm ok. It ends now.