Theres a time and place to die and its now

     Wow, so whew. What a crazy low couple of weeks. It seems like i'm starting to bounce back. I know there will be times where i regress, but even in my lowest of low, thats what sets me apart from others. I keep going. I know i'm feeling low and i can't help but to feel all the pain starting to crumble around me. However, I know it's always temporary. I may feel intensely but i can always spot even the dimmest lights at the end of the tunnel. I know how badly the world needs healing. I know that I want to be a healer, no need to be a healer, even if only in a spiritual or emotional way. I have so much to offer others, as does EVERYONE in this world. We are all on the same planet, can't we just agree to disagree and all get along? No...this seems impossible, however it isn't.
      The world is full of hatred and jealousy, angry, spiteful, but it doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't have to be a lonely, and cruel world. All we need is one or two people in our corner, all we need is to be in someone else's corner, or pick our selves up when nobody can. Perception is reality, and that can mean a huge difference in everyone's life to just realize that.
     I've been holding myself back for so long that i've forgotten who i am and that i am allowed to shine. I'm going to start cutting away everything in my life that doesn't allow for me to be myself or is suppressing my spirit. i'm ready to release everything, to litterally transform in every single way of my life. In mind, body, spirit, and emotion. Let's DO THIS!

I feel like i could write a book about my life. Would anyone read it? Maybe. who knows. I guess i don't care. I think i'm learning not to care about what other people think. Its coming as a hard lesson but i am getting there. I am learning to release anger as well as my past. I hold on to people as "friends" whom i don't even talk to or associate with anymore. Its ridiculous. So, today i just decided to clean up my Facebook for a bit of a preparation for actually doing that in the real world. Good news is, i actually let go of some people, and now i've patched things up with someone else.

Life is funny. The brain and heart are funny too. Not literally the heart, but our souls. The things that make us tick, the way we feel emotions. I released some things, and i felt sad about it, though i shouldn't and now suddenly i feel overwhelmed with freedom from those things. Whats next? I feel there are big changes in store for me.

I Love The Way

I love your beats, man, Yeah i love your style,

 I love your rhythms, and i love your smile, 

 I love your voice, the way the music flows,

 I love every part of you, aint that how love goes? 

 I love your soul, i love the beat of your heart, 

 I love how when i'm with you, I never fall apart. 

 I love how your there when no one else is around 

I love you you make me laugh whenever i'm down 

 I love your words of wisdom I love your good vibes

 I love how much I love you In words it's hard to describe 

 I love your inspiration the creative things you do 

I even love the way You never seem to have a clue 

 Most most of all, I love being your friend 

May we be best friends, until the bitter end. 

 "I love The Way" © Lee Lee Staaben May 18, 2014 -

Darkest part of me

The depths of my pain cannot be measured,
The road is rocky, it leaves my soul weathered,
The winter chills my bones, and chills my heart,
You hurt me again, and wonder why i'm falling apart,
The music within has finally stopped playing,
but the voice within will continue whaling,
I know i'm a failure, no need to remind me,
my heads barely above water, i'm drowning as we speak,
I think my strength has come to its end,
I don' think my mind will ever start to mend,
You said i'm toxic, when all I ever did was try,
But you put me in the chair, you sentenced me to fry,
Im done, it's over, no need to look back,
you caused my spirit to die, it withered, turned to coal black...
You were the darkest part of me, my one kryptonight, 
but finally i've let go, I have finally seen the light,
The light that shines within, doesn't include you,
Because i'm tired of the lies you spew,
Do you listen to yourself or are you ignorant as the rest?
Your a grim person, toxic, at best.
You think i'm too stupid to know when to walk away
but I can tell you confidently, today is the day,
The day I choose to leave, the day I choose me

Weight Loss Journey begins Now -- March 13, 2013

     So, today I thought i would write down that i have been feeling worn out, sickly...which could be due to the low energy, but...I also attribute to my weight being a factor as well. As of right now. I currently weight 315.4 lbs. I feel awful about myself. I don't know how i ever let myself get this big. I need to get this under control before i end up weighing so much i can't move. As of right now, i'm still fairly in shape technically because i have no health problems and i can move around and walk just like anyone else.
This is my current weight picture. Sort of a before.-------------->

     My left knee hurts sometimes but i know that with the proper diet and exercise i can lose the weight and keep it off. I want to feel better. It's not about looking good because so many people have put me down i learned to rise above what they have called me and said. I do suffer from agoraphobia but i don't generally look in the mirror and feel bad about what i see, i just worry about my health and realize my family and friends are probably worried too. 

     I saw a documentary on the half ton mom, her name was Renee Williams. Let me start this off by saying she was a lovely woman, her face was beautiful and her faith was strong. She wanted to lose the weight for her children so she agreed to undergo a gastric bypass. This for one, should never have been agreed to by any surgeons. About ten days after she had the surgery, she experienced shortness of breath, chest pain and finally went into cardiac arrest and died. 

     She mentioned she had hope and knew this would be good for her. I find surgeries to be the worst way to get weight loss results. Its dangerous and quite a few people i know  have had complications to weight loss surgery. I think if your too heavy to move, start off changing your calorie intake, diet, drink more water and move even if just a little. This should help you start to feel a little more mobile after about a week and you may even see slight weight loss.  But unless you absolutely need the surgery or if you are too high risk for the weight loss surgery, something else must be done. 

     Which is why, I have decided to lose weight. I don't want to end up that big. I couldn't bare to see myself get that big or see any pity glances from someone i know such as friends or family. They would all love me just as i am, well most of them. I knew someone who was overweight and she got even more overweight after she got married and had a child. Yes, it was partially her fault. Her hormones were out of balance though which also contributed. People were nice to her face but when she wasn't around the snide comments and jokes at her expense would fly. 

       I am proud to say she has lost quite a bit of the weight, at least 100 lbs.  so far and she is still going. She is an inspiring person, who tries to make healthy choices and has only ever been nice to people. We have also had our differences but the amount of inspiration she puts in my life when i see her, is staggering. She's an amazing person with a beautiful soul and i'm very proud of her. 

     My weight is 315.4. My goal weight overall is 133 lbs, which means i have to lose 186 pounds to reach it. My short term goal is 20 lbs, and my long term goal is 50 pounds. So...here's to a new start, with the new moon, a new year, and a new, more positive attitude. I will update on my pictures as i reach my goals. Wish me luck....

Oh and this blogpost is dedicated to Renee Williams, Cat Melhuish, and all those people out there who are struggling with self image, or weight induced health problems. This is for you. My journey is to be an inspiration (hopefully) for you. This is for all the girls who thought they weren't good enough because of body fat they hid themselves in. All the boys out there who were too afraid to come forward and say I need help, this is for you. And most of all, this is for myself, my husband, and my future. This is for my friends. 

     

Yet life goes on, as always.

     Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like things are going alright, then suddenly you get really depressed, then you completely detach from all of your emotions? I don't know what to do today, i can't move on with my day, i'm stuck in a rut where all my brain wants to do is run around in circles and won't move past a thought or an action, and im dizzied by it (so to speak).
     I have been dissociated for the last three days, and i can't seem to come out of it. I'm writing as if i was writing from the brain of a character, but i can't actually feel what i'm writing. i even looked at depressing subjects and pictures to try and feel, something, anything and i can't.
     It's funny. Life. It really is. not in a haha kind of way, more like in an ironic kind of way. I was doing so well, and i finally actually take my healing to the next level and keep my boundary in check, the ONE boundary i actually thought i had, and it gets dumped on. I've got too many boundaries. One boundary is too much for me to have. I guess i'm not allowed to have boundaries. Fuck boundaries. It's always easier when i keep my mouth shut, and pretend i don't feel stepped on. I'm a good actress anyways, i have my mother to thank for that.
     Today i really don't feel like moving forward anyways. I guess...I'm done trying to actually get out and about and to meet and greet the world. Today, i've decided, i'm sick of having friends. Having friends means confrontation, or dissapointment. Friends means having to actually try. Why try? Why PRETEND i'm someone they want me to be? I never will be anyways, whats the point?
     I've been speaking openly, telling others what to expect, asking them to try and understand or to let me know up front, so theres no pain. Do they drop me, knowing full well they will dissapoint? Nope, instead they make the situation worse then ever imagined. They lash out, treat me like i'm nothing. Bring up old mistakes from the past. Like i really need to be reminded of all the reasons i'm nothing. Like i really don't tell myself everyday, "You should just kill yourself, your never going to amount to anything." "You look really stupid, and everyone can see the real you, even though you can't." "They'll know your a terrible person, it's not that hard to see."  Whatever. I'm done. Tired of trying. Tired of false hope. tired of pretending i'm ok. It ends now.

You know what really grinds my gears?

     "How are we going to stop these injustices?" This is a question I ask myself on a day to day basis. I can't quite figure out exactly why i'm getting so pent up and upset at society and how it chooses to live. We as a whole are connected, and call me crazy, but I have noticed quite an awakening in the last few years taking place. People are starting to realize this, some aren't, but now seems as good a time as any to stop with the violence, ignorance, bigotry and interolance that go on every day. There is so much more in the world we should be experiencing as a nation, as a planet. To see the beauty in everything and everyone, is healing, helps the loneliness, self destruction, anger, anxiety and hopelessness. We repress our anger for these injustices, and add to the negativity in the world, we look away and ignore whats going on so it's not so scary or so maddening.
     Young girls are raised to believe a lot of times that if a boy is mean to you, he likes you (thanks, Pickle, for the inspiration on this one) if he pulls your hair or calls you names, kicks you in the dirt he's just showing he has a crush, (and we all know grade school children are the most impressionable.) This is WRONG PEOPLE! Then, these girls though unawares, so subtly start to believe they are worthless, that men are entitled to women, and women are meant to be second hand citizens. And, we wonder why girls nowadays parade their bodies, and degrade themselves. Yes, somethings can be empowering but sometimes too much, is just too much.
     Some men think that women should be big breasted, tiny hipped, and willing to put out to be even worthy of their time.  It doesn't matter how they look, it can't be helped (aside from plastic surgery) which even then, shouldn't be helped. You were born the way you are and unless it is interfering with your functioning or quality of life physically, we should all learn to love one another exactly as the other is. We are raised to believe something so extraordinarily ignorant that and refuse to change our opinions on things because we are too set in our ways.
     But if we all just opened our minds a little, looked at the duality in all things, good or bad, maybe, just maybe we as a civilization have chance. I see things getting worse and worse everyday and it scares me to think of what my children may have to face if i ever have any. Or my friends children, my nieces or nephews. We are all in this together. One love people, one love.